The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: 3 Takeaways
Mark Manson started the blog, MarkManson.net, in 2007. Based on the incredible success of that blog he wrote The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck nine years later.
Manson proposes that not only is the path to happiness not through boosting self-esteem and thinking positively but that this participation-trophy-wielding society is actually what’s making us less happy.
The path to a good life, he argues through a mix of anecdote and evidence, is finding what’s important and meaningful and spending time and energy on that. It’s not about giving a fuck about more things it’s about giving a fuck about things that align with your personal values.
He breaks down this rationale into five counterintuitive and uncomfortable values that everyone should adopt.
1. Taking responsibility for everything in your life, regardless of who's at fault.
2. Uncertainty. Acknowledgment of your own ignorance and constant doubt.
3. Failure.
4. Rejection.
5. Contemplation of one's own mortality.
Before reading this book I thought it would just be a “don’t worry about it, suck it up, it’ll get better” kind of book. While his writing style had that type of quick, raw, and pointed way, the content itself was thought-provoking. Both his commentary and the recommendations he provides, with plenty of self-deprecating examples strewn throughout, are well thought out, nuanced, and practical.
The Backward Law
The philosopher Alan Watts came up with the backward law. That is, the more you seek to feel better, the more you achieve the opposite of that and the more disappointed you are. The desire for a more positive experience is then a negative experience. Ready for a mind screw? And accepting one’s negative experiences is a positive experience.
Accept your shortcomings and your insecurities. Not only will this make you happier but it has a great side effect of improving self-confidence, charisma, and generating more trust and respect in your relationships.
2. Happiness Is Work
In every being’s life, problems happen. Not only do they happen but they never stop happening. A better life just means problems that get upgraded and exchanged. Manson illustrates this by saying that Warren Buffett and the homeless person down the street both have money problems but Warren Buffet’s are just better money problems.
Happiness, therefore, is a constant work in progress because addressing these problems is constant. If you don’t have any problems or you’re just avoiding them then you’ll be sad, if you aren’t already. On the other hand, if you have too many problems or problems you can’t solve then you’ll also be miserable.
“The secret sauce is in the solving of the problems, not in not having problems in the first place….The solution for today’s problems will lay the groundwork for tomorrow’s problems.”
Happiness takes work. Acknowledge the problems and continue to manage them and upgrade them.
3. Metrics Are Everything
Manson tells the story of Dave Mustaine, the guitarist who got kicked out of Metallica before Metallica became huge. He was angry and resentful. He went on to start Megadeath, the second most famous heavy metal group behind Metallica. He earned millions, has hundreds of thousands of adoring fans, and is doing what he loves. Yet, he’s still angry and resentful because it’s less than Metallica.
Pete Best, on the other hand, was the drummer that got kicked out of the Beatles before Beatlemania. He admits that he had a difficult time accepting this initially but decades later he would say that getting booted from the Beatles turned out better than if he were a Beatle. If he were a Beatle, he says, he wouldn’t have met his wife in the same way, had the kids he has, and would have had different problems.
Mustaine’s metric was Metallica which he never lived up to. Best adjusted his priorities and found his greatest joy in his family and civil service. Two similar situations, two totally different outcomes.
Everything comes down to perspective. You can try to keep up with the Jones’ or you can live a life that aligns with your personal values. Stop moving the goalposts and choose the right metric.
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