12 Daily Non-Negotiables
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“Momentum begets momentum, and the best way to start is to start.”
- Gil Penchina
Life is just a collection of moments. You could use these moments to make as much money as possible, cure diseases, watch more Netflix than anyone else, or maybe achieve enlightenment. There is no right or wrong way to spend these moments but collectively using them with purpose is important for a good quality of life.
I want to spend my finite moments with a sense of purpose to help others and to build and maintain strong relationships while sustaining a strong mind and body. I want to do this all while finding happiness in the simplicity of life for as many healthy years as possible.
It would be nice if some days that my life goals just happened but it not only takes effort, it takes a consistent amount of effort in order to create habits and routines.
Enter non-negotiables.
Doing consistent daily habits and routines that are important to you (non-negotiables) builds momentum and with this momentum, the moments of your day are on autopilot toward your tropical destination. These days of positive habits fashion the life you want and “suddenly” you are happier and more fulfilled. As Annie Dilard said,
“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing. “
What Are Non-Negotiables?
Non-Negotiables are a set of values and principles used to guide your life. They can be related to any part of life such as work (“I will not work on Sundays”), happiness (“I will visit one National Park a year”), or self-care (“I will find 5 minutes per day to be still”). They can be as simple or complex as you want them to be but simplicity lends itself to sustainability.
The point is that it’s something that is important to you that you can say aloud to ensure you do it at a set frequency. Having non-negotiables is a way of saying "These things are really important to me so I will make sure I do them consistently so that this me and future me can reap the rewards."
Habits: Neurons That Fire Together
There will be days when you are busy and tired with low willpower and the looming question of "Do I really need to do this?” will be answered with a resounding "no." Fortunately, you can use neuroscience to have our minds automatically do it without even thinking about answering the question.
New and unfamiliar tasks are significantly more difficult for the brain to do compared to familiar ones. When you perform any action, as small as closing your eyes or as complex as driving, neurons send electrical signals to one another in a specific pattern. Once a task is performed enough, a covering over the axon–called the myelin sheath–begins to grow along this pattern and the more it task happens the thicker the myelin sheath. This myelination allows electrical signals to travel faster, improves the efficiency of the task itself, and allows us to carry out the task without thinking about it. This type of procedural memory is commonly referred to as muscle memory and it is the reason that riding a bike takes a ton of up-front time and focus but minimal effort to pick it back up–even after decades out of the saddle.
For this reason, starting new habits (or killing bad ones) is difficult. This is why the average new year’s resolution is dead in the water by January 19th. The start of any new task requires a significant amount of focus and motivation to create thick myelin sheaths and, as humans, we are not programmed to do things that require a lot of effort.
So with our brains set against us from the start, how do you make sure you follow through with your non-negotiables? Here I’m going to punt to James Clear, the best-selling author of Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. Dive into his free strategy guide which simplifies the process into 5 steps backed up by research.
Determining My Non-Negotiables
“The small choices we make on a daily basis either work for us or against us. One choice puts time on your side. The other ensures it’s working against you. Time amplifies what you feed it.”
My non-negotiable habits weren’t formed in a day. I’ve been practicing some for decades while others are newer. Some were created with intention while others were just inadvertent results of pleasure. What they all have in common is that they are a consequence of a combination of listening to my body and honing in on what makes me (and the people I love) a little bit happier.
From these relatively abstract and subjective feelings (with the occasional assistance of some self-quantification) I created a list of specific and objective goals to do each day. Specific because “eat well” and “spend time with my kids” lets me off the hook if I eat a grape and pick up my kids from school. Objective because I wanted to be able to measure them for the purpose of adherence. Structuring these habits to be specific and measurable ensures I hit the minimum effective dose of the task.
My non-negotiables center around a theme of mindfulness. I’m not saying that this is necessary for creating a non-negotiable but I’ve noticed it’s important for me. Being in the moment is not something I’m very good at. Maybe I’ve unintentionally created these habits as reminders to live in the now. Or maybe living in the now just makes me happier. Either way, this theme is evident and fortunately, it has a byproduct of being happier, healthier, and fostering better relationships.
There are plenty of things I do most days of the year that fall short of daily goals: adequate protein and veggies, avoiding processed foods, reading to my kids, lifting, yada, yada, yada.. Since the title "These are the things I usually do but not all of the time" has less of a ring to it, I'll stick to the non-negotiables.
*But….I Negotiate
The truth is I do not do all of these things every day. If I’m having a night out with friends, holiday dinners, or vacations I am not going to sacrifice (read: negotiate) this to get my head on the pillow. Nor am I going to walk 5 miles if I’m sick and my body needs rest.
I could go on but the point is that if I stress over hitting a list of to-dos to improve my health and well-being then I’m missing the point. Mental well-being and flexibility is more important than a mental checklist.
My Daily Non-Negotiables
Every day I will….
Mind
Meditate. Ideally, this is in the form of 10+ minutes of a sitting meditation but sometimes it is as short as 3 minutes and can include different types of breathwork such as box breathing and extended exhales.
Get into a flow state. For me, this typically comes through a meditation, a walk, some bout of endurance-based exercise, or through writing.
Body
Walk. Walking improves my mood and energy level. I shoot for 10,000 steps (not as arbitrary of a number as it sounds).
Limit sitting to less than 45-minute stretches during the day. Sitting, on the other hand, zaps my energy. While I always feel good after a walk in the sun, I usually feel stiffer and more tired after a long sit. I won’t sit for more than 2-3 periods of 30-45 minutes (primarily just lunch and dinner) with the exception of the occasional show before bed with my wife.
Be in the sun for at least an hour a day. More time in the sun is usually better but I try to break up my exposure for multiple periods throughout the day. Morning sun helps me sleep and any sun makes me happy. Sun through windows doesn’t count.
Eat high-quality food with each meal. Nutrient-dense whole foods (eggs, fish, meat, greens) cooked in a healthy way (e.g. no frying, overcooking).
Do some hormetic stressor. This includes time in a cold shower or sauna; exercising, or fasting.
Relationships
Get on the floor with my kids. Getting eye level fosters a deeper connection. It shows a sense of companionship as a peer instead of a sense of authority. It also delivers a sense of commitment to them and makes it less likely I’ll divert my attention to something else. And kids just love it.
Have a non-superficial conversation with my wife. The "how was your day?" is as boring to a kid as it is to an adult. I've learned to ask better questions and further ask about the emotions behind them ("How are you feeling with that decision?" or simply “Tell me more.”). We don’t have to have a deep “what is the meaning of life?” conversation every night but superficial pleasantries are reserved for strangers I want to keep walking by.
Show physical affection. The older I get, the more I come to realize the importance of physical touch. There will be a time when I can't pick up my kids anymore. Until that time comes I will make it a point to lift them up and hold them every day. Physical affection with my wife is as important. The goal is to exceed the minimum but at its roots, a good hug or some spooning counts.
Put the phone away when I walk into the house. I have limited hours with my family most days. Pings, rings, and vibrations steal these finite minutes and never for worthwhile reasons. They are the priority when I walk in the door.
What is important to you? What are your non-negotiables?
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