Signs Of Maturity From Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents
“Emotionally immature parents think they’re entitled to respect from their children just because they’re in the role of parent. They think they’re free from the obligation to respect their children’s boundaries and privacy.”
―Lindsay C. Gibson
While I am an adult child, I was not raised by emotionally immature parents (hey mom and dad). I read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents on multiple recommendations by people I look up to and assumed it was a lighthearted and funny parenting book. Turns out, it’s anything but.
After learning that this book was not in fact a comedy and further realizing that I was fortunate enough to not be raised by immature parents, I decided to continue to read the book but from a different perspective. My goal was to use any tactics Lindsay Gibson had so that my kids would be able to read this book in a few decades and also be able to say, "This doesn't apply to me." That is, I want to be a more mature parent. When I solidified this as the goal in my head, I thought it was a relatively low bar. Then I got to chapter 10.
The author, Lindsay Gibson Psy.D., a clinical psychologist includes a variety of topics including identifying the 4 types of emotionally immature parents (emotional, driven, passive, rejecting), signs you've been raised by them, and identifying coping styles (externalizer or internalizer). Then, toward the end of the book, she highlights what exactly maturity means. In doing so, I learned that I’m not as mature as I thought and I have a lot of work to do.
Let’s start with a checklist of the signs of emotional maturity and some of her thoughts on each.
Signs Of Emotional Maturity
Gibson breaks down a person's emotional maturity into three categories:
Realistic and reliable
Respectful and reciprocal
Responsive
Realistic And Reliable
These first traits she writes, are like "the physical layout of a house. It won't matter what color you paint the walls if the structure is awkward to living."
☐ They work with reality rather than fighting it.
Those who are emotionally immature tend to overreact and fixate on how things should be. For those who are mature, “If changes are impossible they find a way to make the Best of what they've got.”
☐ They can feel and think at the same time.
This may sound obvious but when someone who is emotionally immature is upset they shut down their executive function abilities, including their ability to reason.
☐ Their consistency makes them reliable.
“Because emotionally mature people have an integrated sense of self, they usually won't surprise you with unexpected inconsistencies.”
☐ They don't take everything personally.
Doing this frequently can be a sign of low self-esteem or narcissism.
Respectful And Reciprocal
“You might think of these traits as being the inside of the home” such as the plumbing and the electricity.
☐ They respect your boundaries.
☐ They give back.
☐ They are flexible and compromise well.
She highlights a test of whether someone is respectful and reciprocal: how do they respond if you have to change your plans with them? A reaction of flexibility such as “That’s okay, I understand that you can’t do it” lies in stark contrast to rigidity such as “I’ve had this on my calendar for weeks. I can’t believe you did this.”
Are they capable of expressing their disappointment without harboring resentment towards you? “Most emotionally mature people can accept that changes and disappointments are part of life.”
☐ They're even-tempered.
“People who have a short fuse and expect that life should go according to their wishes don't make for good company.” Those who are mature are able to find prolonged anger uncomfortable which prompts them to find a way to move beyond it. Conversely, those who are less mature indulge in their anger and behave as though the world should conform to how they are feeling.
“Emotionally mature people will usually tell you what's wrong and ask you to do things differently. They don't sulk or pout for long periods of time or make you walk on eggshells. That said, people usually need some time to calm down before they can talk about what made them angry, regardless of their emotional maturity level.”
☐ They're willing to be influenced.
Emotionally mature people possess a secure sense of self and are genuinely curious and eager to learn. Even if they may not always agree with your perspective, their curiosity leads them to actively listen and consider your thoughts. John Gottman counts this trait among his seven principles for a sustainable happy relationship.
☐ They're truthful.
☐ They apologize and make amends.
Mature people apologize in a sincere way and, as importantly, provide a blueprint for how they’re going to do things differently in the future.
Responsive
“Think of the following traits as essential to a fully rewarding relationship experience. Just as paint and furnishings are essential to make a house a home.”
☐ Their empathy makes you feel safe.
Gibson defines this as “the soul of emotional intelligence.” Someone who is emotionally mature makes you feel seen and heard.
☐ They like to comfort and be comforted.
This occurs in all situations, including times of stress.
☐ They reflect on their actions and try to change.
☐ They can laugh and be playful.
“Laughter is a form of egalitarian play between people and reflects an ability to relinquish control and follow someone else's lead.”
☐ They're enjoyable to be around.
My Maturation Challenge
While I don't consider myself an immature parent, I now have a new checklist to work on to become a more mature one. My kids (and my wife) deserve it.
The true test will come around the year 2043 when my kids answer the question, “Was your dad emotionally mature during your childhood?”
Based on these signs of maturity, how mature are you?
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