Why Do We Complain So Much And How To Deal With Complainers With Will Bowen
“Yes, many studies have been done that show that chronic complaining increases dopamine in the bloodstream leading to obesity, diabetes, stroke, heart attack, and a whole host of other physical ailments.”
-Will Bowen
Complaining may be my biggest pet peeve. It seems like those who complain the most are the least grateful and least fulfilled. It doesn’t seem like the people around the complainer ever like it either so why do we complain so much? And how do you deal with complainers?
These questions have been on my mind for a while but it wasn’t until I heard Will Bowen speak on the Art of Manliness podcast that I became really intrigued. He laid out strategies to deal with people who complain. He also explains how complaining affects our health. It was interesting but I had more questions. So Bill was gracious enough to let me interview him and teach me why we complain and how to raise kids who don’t complain.
Will Bowen is the creator of the Complaint Free Ⓡ movement, boasting a global following of over 15 million individuals. His work has been showcased on numerous platforms including Oprah, NBC's Today Show, People, Forbes, Newsweek, The Wall Street Journal, and Chicken Soup for the Soul. He is also author of the book, A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted . He is renowned for his expertise in understanding the intricacies of complaining—why people do it, the issues it causes, and how to effectively eliminate it from our lives and the lives of those around us.
5 Questions For Will Bowen
1. It seems like the more amazing the world becomes, the more we complain. Have humans always complained as much as we do now?
Complaining has always existed at about the same amount as today. What’s changed is the ease of spreading complaints. A person who complained all day in Victorian times might not impact more than a handful of lives whereas, today, people can gripe to millions of people in a nanosecond with a single tweet.
2. What are the underlying reasons we complain?
People complain for five reasons as remembered by the acronym G.R.I.P.E.
The “G” in G.R.I.P.E. stands for Get attention. People complain simply to establish a connection with other people. This is why people often follow a greeting with a complaint. It’s a way to keep the conversation going, which gives both people something every human being craves: attention!
The “R” in G.R.I.P.E. stands for Remove responsibility. When someone is given a task they don’t want to do, she or he will often complain about the circumstances surrounding the task to try and be removed of the responsibility of doing the task. They will say something like, “I’d love to do what you ask, but…” and then they unleash a string of complaints about other people and circumstances that will prevent them from doing what you asked.
The “I” in G.R.I.P.E. stands for Inspire envy, which is another way of saying “brag.” It’s considered rude to brag about your good fortune. But you can complain about your good fortune and achieve the same benefits. When a person says, “You know, the worst part about sitting in first class is having to wait forever for all the other people to walk past you and get to their seats.” This person is actually bragging about their first-class status.
The “P” in G.R.I.P.E. stands for Power. Nothing gets people on your side faster than upsetting them and complaining is the best way to outrage people. I call this “Enrage and Engage.” If you can upset people, you can motivate them to action and this is why complaining is a cornerstone of media and politics. If you upset people, they will follow you and listen to you.
And lastly, the “E” in G.R.I.P.E. stands for Excuse poor performance. If you ask someone to do something and they don’t do it or he or she does a poor job, rather than accepting the blame (and potentially your wrath) the person will blame circumstances and other people to be excused for their poor performance. It’s a way of saying, “It’s not my fault."
3. It seems like it’s contagious to hop on the complaining bandwagon when someone begins complaining but this leads to a dismal spiral. What are some ways to address and modify a complainer’s behavior based on the type of complaining they’re doing?
If a person is complaining to Get attention, always speak to them first and ask a question that will yield a positive response. For example, a clerk in my grandfather’s hardware store greeted everyone with “What’s the good word, my friend?”
When a person complains to be Removed of responsibility, you want to keep them on task so your response should be, “If it were possible, how might you do it?” This lets them know that they are not going to complain their way out of doing the task.
If the person is complaining to Inspire envy, you want to compliment the opposite. In other words, if someone is complaining about someone else being late, your response should be “You know what I like about you, you’re always on time.”
When complaints for Power happen it typically starts with one person complaining about someone else and the best thing to say is, “It sounds like the two of you have a lot to talk about.” This lets the person know you’re not going to get drawn to either side by their complaints.
Finally, when a person complains to Excuse their poor performance, the key is to get them to take an honest, non-defensive review of their efforts and do better in the future. You should ask, repeatedly if necessary, “How do you plan to improve next time."
4. Is there any research on the relationship between the frequency of complaints and its impact on our health?
Yes, many studies have been done that show that chronic complaining increases dopamine in the bloodstream leading to obesity, diabetes, stroke, heart attack, and a whole host of other physical ailments. On the mental side, studies have shown that complaining shrinks the hippocampus in your brain making it harder for you to learn or to think creatively.
5. What are some strategies I can use to prevent my kids from creating a habit of complaining?
As with all things parenting, model a complaint-free life for your kids. Talk about possibilities, not problems. Talk about what’s going well rather than what’s going wrong.
Join more than 15 million people worldwide and take the Complaint Free challenge yourself. And, check out my Complaint Free Parenting program. Go to www.AComplaintFreeWorld.org and click on “FULL STORE”.
