Kids Behavior Management: 25 Parenting Tips and Tricks (Part 2)
"We cannot make our children anything we wish to be. We can only help them to be the best that they can be."
—-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Some of the rare moments of dispute that my wife and I have come down to nuances in behavior implementation strategies. As a psychologist and certified instructor of Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), she is incredibly adept at understanding and applying these strategies. As an OT and someone who loves trial and error with the goal of continual improvement, I’m frequently seeking out new approaches to helping to manage our kid’s behaviors through research, books, colleagues, and everything in between. Together we’ve become a great team who can read each other’s thoughts as soon as we notice a tantrum or other behavioral issue on the horizon.
This teamwork highlights the beautiful messiness of parenting. Unlike other fields, there's no perfect formula—no double-blind studies or one-size-fits-all solutions. It's more akin to my childhood memory of asking my mom if she went to "parenting school." Her answer — "You just learn this on the job and try to do the best you can” — perfectly captures the essence of parenting.
Parenting is a blend of art and science. We draw on research and techniques, but ultimately, it's an intuitive dance with our children. Like starting a new exercise routine, it takes consistent effort, with results emerging gradually over time. The key? Embrace the journey, celebrate the small victories, and recognize that every family finds its own unique way to navigate this remarkable adventure.
This is the second part of a series on behavioral strategies. Check out part 1 here.
25 Behavior Management Tips & Tricks
1. Praise the effort. You're always so great at math. You have a real talent for singing. You're so handsome/pretty. These phrases are built into many of our repertoires and they seem harmless enough but the issue is that they are outcome-based acknowledgements which can inadvertently lead to a fixed mindset, fear of failure, and self-esteem issues. On the other hand, when children are praised for their hard work and dedication, they are more likely to develop a growth mindset, believing that abilities can be improved through perseverance. Research, particularly the work of psychologist Carol Dweck, backs up the value of effort-based praise, emphasizing its role in encouraging children to embrace challenges, learn from failures, and cultivate resilience. This shift in praise can influence a child's attitude toward learning and personal development, promoting a healthier lifelong approach to challenges and successes. Read point number two in How To Raise Confident Kids for a blueprint on exactly how to do this.
2. Apologize to your kids. Along that same sentiment, apologize to your kids when it's appropriate. This models vulnerability, it improves conectedness, and, as an adult, it's probably just the right thing to do.
3. Make it immediate. Whether it's establishing a routine, giving praise, or reprimanding do so promptly. Kids operate in the present; they don't inherently think in the long term. Immediate responses, whether positive or corrective, create a more direct connection between their actions and consequences which creates a clearer understanding and reinforces the desired behavior or discourages the undesired one.
4. Embrace approximations. Instead of expecting a complete and immediate shift in behavior, this strategy involves recognizing and reinforcing small, progressive steps toward the desired behavior. Instead of cleaning up a whole room, have them get the Legos off of the floor. If they're struggling with completing their homework, highlight their ability to complete a single math problem. By acknowledging and rewarding these incremental improvements, you accept the gradual process of behavioral change and encourage continual positive development.
5. Start with a question. When it comes time to intervene in a situation, we tend to start with statements: stop that, put that down, come back here, food on the table. Instead (when it's not an immediate safety issue), start with a question. How are you feeling right now? What led up to this? What are you going to do next? Keep it age-appropriate and be nonjudgmental with the response. This approach fosters a slew of life skills such as planning, independent thinking, problem-solving abilities, and autonomy.
6. Use "I wonder..." statements. For example, say, "I wonder how your hands feel when you're holding that cold drink," or "I wonder how your heart feels when we play chase." Even if your child can't articulate their feelings, that's okay. The goal is to encourage curiosity and help them become more aware of their inner experiences. By using these statements, we validate their emotions and sensations without imposing labels that might be inaccurate and lead to inner confusion. This is a strategy that Kelly Mahler, OT, encourages to enhance interoception with young children.
7. Teach gratitude. Model it at points during the day, make it a dinnertime ritual, and reinforce positive behavior by acknowledging and appreciating your child's efforts to express gratitude. This helps to enhance self-awareness, reduces entitlement, and improves theory of mind, allowing your child to zoom out and see the bigger picture.
8. Catch them being good. As kids become mobile, the reliance on reacting to negative behaviors often increases, correlating to their natural ability to get into mischief. This focus on catching them "in the act" can become a habit, especially during the challenging toddler years. Over time, this creates a loop where both parent and child's brains subconsciously activate the sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, freeze). For better behavior, shift your focus to catching him or her being good. This extrinsic positive reinforcement encourages them to associate positivity and attention (both essential for children) with actions they might not typically be praised for. Remember to focus on praising the effort they put in, rather than just their natural abilities.
9. Help them calm down. There's no point in saying "calm down" or "take a deep breath" if you've never taught them how to engage these responses when they weren't needed. Beyond calming strategies, it's also important to support them when they are in reactive mode. Each child is different so use your judgment as to what works best: deep breaths, focusing on their breath, hugs, walking with them, taking them to a quiet area, etc.
10. Force social norms less. Forced thank you's, apologies, and other similar social norms are just a way of life for adults but they shouldn't have to be for kids. Yes, they sound mature and disciplined and you'll probably get compliments from your friends and family but what's often lacking is any authentic emotions. A child's theory of mind, or ability to understand what others are thinking and feeling, is slow to develop and doesn't mature until well beyond toddlerhood. While teaching social skills is important, forcing rote thank yous and apologies early on in toddlers can encourage inauthenticity and even shame. Encourage your child to express genuine thoughts (and the behaviors behind them) instead of robotic scripts. Instead of, "Say I'm sorry," try, "Do you want to tell [gift giver] how receiving this gift makes you feel?" or "If your friend hit you with a toy, would you want her to give you a hug or a pat on the shoulder and say sorry?" If these don't when then teach through example. "I'm sorry that Joey hit you in the face with a toy. Are you feeling okay?"
11. Make expectations clear. Clear expectations and consequences make children feel safe and secure. Murky ones lead to frustration and anxiety. Make sure expectations are appropriate and realistic for your child's age and development.
12. Ignore inappropriate behavior: Sometimes ignoring inappropriate or undesirable behavior, also known as "Least Reinforcing Syndrome," may be the most effective way to stop it. Give attention to appropriate behavior (sometimes) and ignore the (safe) inappropriate behavior. Positive reinforcement is any type of attention and kids are looking for the most subtle forms of this all of the time. And we often provide it even when we aren't aware of it such as a groan, a frown, eye contact, or that reflexive reprimanding. Even negative attention is reinforcing the behavior. So, be as boring as possible if you want to extinct a behavior.
13. Use playfulness. There's a good chance that your kid is going to dislike the situation (and associated behavior) that is surrounded by the most stress, usually influenced by time constraints. Oftentimes this is in the form of the morning routine ("Hurry up and get dressed so we're not late!") or nighttime ones ("Clean up your toys then we're going to bed."). If you're rushing your kid to do something and getting frustrated when it's not happening quickly then breakdowns happen and your kid is going to associate these emotions with the tasks. So, flip the script by planning ahead, starting a bit earlier, and making it fun (or at least not stressful). If getting your daughter up to the bathtub is a struggle then have her pick her favorite (waterproof) toy and race you up the steps. If your son is taking a long time to get dressed in the morning then have him pick his favorite song and see if he can get dressed before it ends. Use your power to create positive associations.
14. Challenge their gross motor skills: This taps into the intricate link between physical activity and emotional regulation. Activities like running, jumping, and climbing, reduce frustration, redirect emotions toward purposeful activities, and enhance coordination, spatial awareness, and mindfulness. We use this mini trampoline to help us often.
15. Be a better sharing mediator: Sharing battles with kids can go from 0 to 60, incinerating all joy in the area. But difficulty with sharing is a normal part of childhood so guide them through these situations while also developing valuable social and problem-solving skills. Here are some practical strategies for the age ol’ toy sharing situation. Learn more here.
Begin by acknowledging the situation, such as, "Both Bobby and Jackie want this block."
Validate their feelings, like saying, "Jackie, you're upset because you were building a house, and Bobby, you're disappointed because you wanted a tower."
Then encourage them to brainstorm solutions together, fostering cooperation.
16. Use your reaction. When my son first heard fire sirens up close he looked at me wide-eyed. He wasn't sure if he should be scared, excited, or otherwise. I paused then gave him back a face full of excitement and surprise. He then mirrored that and now reacts the same way each time he hears them, years later. Kids see, hear, or feel something unfamiliar and then look to our reaction to gauge how they should feel. If there’s a thunderstorm and you have a terrified reaction to looming clouds, you’re teaching them to have a terrified reaction. The same goes for fears like insects and strangers but also to more subtle situations like a person who treated them unfairly or just having an off day. This was recently backed up by research that showed children displayed a lessened fear response when their parents were present during a fear-conditioning experiment. The book The Secrets of the Happiest Families has a great line for this type of situation.
“When a child tells you something bad happened at school, sometimes the best thing to say is ‘Pass the ketchup.’ It’s your way of saying, there’s no reason to panic. Then, once you’ve taken the panic out of the air, once you’ve put the ketchup on your French fries, then you can begin the conversation.”
17. …and be aware of your reaction. This phenomenon of kids mirroring your behaviors also extends beyond initial reactions. Our behaviors and anxieties can lead to our children acquiring these behaviors that we don’t even want in ourselves. This is called trickle-down anxiety. The first step Is to identify your triggers. When do you have your strongest emotional reactions? What makes you more anxious? What environments make it better or worse? Work on addressing these points and become increasingly aware of your blind spots. Ask your partner or a talk therapist to help with this. Fortunately,, kids are going to learn many of the things we do and the things we say so make the majority of them calm and positive and turn trickle-down anxiety into trickle-down resilience.
18. Remove the child from the situation. Not every situation can be managed by good coaching skills. When you see that your toddler is "in the red," or maxing out their sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, or freeze), then the hope of emotional regulation is dismal. Remove the child from the situation, focus on managing their emotions, model with calmness, and make time to debrief later.
19. Use a visual timer. Visual timers have two behavioral benefits. First, they provide immediate feedback on the passage of time, which is helpful for children who have difficulty understanding abstract concepts. Second, they can deflect authority away from you, the parent, which helps to reduce those power struggles. So instead of saying "It's time to go to bed," say "The timer went off, so it's time to go to bed."
20. “Sit on your buts”: Using the word "but" can inadvertently undermine good intentions when communicating with children. Kids often react defensively upon hearing "but," tuning out the rest of the message. Instead, a more effective approach, from How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, is to use alternative phrases at the beginning of sentences, such as "The problem is..." or "Even though you know...." For example, when faced with a situation like wanting eggs for dinner when none are available, you can say, "That's so disappointing that you want eggs right now. The problem is that we don't have eggs, and it's too late to go shopping. Maybe you can add eggs to the shopping list." Not only does this approach avoid triggering a defensive reaction but it also uses information and a plan to prompt resolution.
21. Broaden the emotional vocabulary. Emotions evolved to be human motivators. In their most basic sense, a feeling of happiness makes you repeat the experience that provided the happiness more often in the future and a sense of sadness motivates you to avoid that experience. Emotions are neither good nor bad. They evolved to allow us to make decisions and take actions to encourage human survival. Since we're destined to experience them, it's important to help kids become aware of their emotions and the behaviors and actions that accompany them. Some strategies to help with this are to:
Openly discuss emotions often.
Talk about feelings in ways children can better understand than labels (instead of "frustrated" use a color such as "orange" or a physical feeling such as "face tightened.).
Create or buy an emotion wheel. We use this magnetic one.
Read about emotions (one of our favorite children's books on this is The Color Monster).
Use “Labeling” as a way of verbally putting a name to an emotion to acknowledge and validate it. Learn how to do it from a professional FBI hostaga negotiator.
22. Connect. One of the hallmarks of the parasympathetic system (rest, digest, and repair) is the connection with others. Our ancestors achieved this through campfire stories, shared meals, skin-to-skin contact, and rituals. When kids are calm or happy, it is an opportune time to connect with them. You can show this connection in various ways, including physical actions like offering hugs or wrestling, and social behaviors like being present or sitting silently together. In contrast, when children are in the sympathetic (fight, flight, freeze) mode, connection is almost impossible. To help them transition from the sympathetic to the parasympathetic state, be a source of comfort and calmness. Regularly connecting with your child during these times is essential for their physical and mental health and it will strengthen your bond,
23. Create a safe space. Make a "cozy corner" in a quieter area of the house. Make it comfortable and welcoming and talk about the benefits of having a place to down-regulate. Then, at a time when you become frustrated or emotionally dysregulated (acting is fine too), go to the area to demonstrate the relief you feel being in this isolated, safe, quiet area to use coping skills. Repeat this multiple times and then help gently guide them to the corner when they need it most. Be sure keep it free of tech and screens.
24. Use teaching-based discipline, not consequence-based discipline The goal is to teach your kid how to be a kind, confident, and resilient human in this world. Use discipline (literally translated to "instruction") to do this appropriately. Continually ask yourself what the purpose of this disciplinary action is. If you're constantly threatening or using time-outs or other consequences then you might be stuck in a habit. Zoom out to remember why you're doing it.
25. Never argue with your child. You are the authority figure and one of your jobs is to set boundaries and teach them when they go beyond these boundaries. If you find yourself arguing you’ve lost control. None of this should involve an argument.
What is your best parenting tip or trick for behavior management?
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