The Self-Driven Child: 3 Takeaways
“Without a healthy sense of control, kids feel powerless and overwhelmed and will often become passive or resigned. When they are denied the ability to make meaningful choices, they are at high risk of becoming anxious, struggling to manage anger, becoming self-destructive, or self-medicating.”
― William Stixrud
In a world where the pressure on our children and ourselves seems relentless, the question arises: how do we step off the high-stress treadmill? We all want our kids to excel and reach their full potential, but what if they seem disengaged or lacking control in their lives?
This concern led Ned Johnson, the founder of PrepMatters, an elite tutoring service, and Bill Stixrud, a clinical neuropsychologist specializing in various adolescent issues, to explore a counterintuitive solution: children, even at a young age, need to feel that their voices and opinions matter, requiring more agency.
The key to healthy motivation lies in having a sense of control, but how can parents achieve this balance without relinquishing their authority? Enter "The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control over Their Lives.” As the book description puts it,
“A clinical neuropsychologist and test prep guru combine cutting-edge brain science with insights from their work with families to make a radical new case for giving kids more control if you want to unleash their full potential. “
As a parent of two kids under five, I hopped on this book a bit too early. Needless to say I found some great points in it (my notes list is very long). This is a book I plan to re-read as my kids enter 7th or 8th grade when test prepping becomes inevitable (and then maybe again as they enter Junior or Senior year of high school. I recommend this for any parent with a tinge of anxiety and for any parent of kids with the same.
3 Takeaways from The Self-Driven Child
1. What Makes Life Stressful is N.U.T.S.
Stress is a loaded word. It can be manifest when you're a little tired or uncertain about something, or if you are literally fighting for your life. All of these causes, however, can be broken down into four main drivers, which Tina Payne Bryson and Dan Siegel call "N.U.T.S."
Novelty: When we encounter something new, our brains go into high alert. This is because novelty can signal danger. However, novelty can also be exciting and stimulating. The key is to find a balance between novelty and familiarity.
Unpredictability: Unpredictability is another major driver of stress. When we don't know what to expect, our brains have to work harder to make sense of the situation. This can lead to feelings of anxiety and uncertainty.
Threat to the ego: When we feel like our ego is threatened, we can experience a great deal of stress. This can happen when we feel judged, criticized, or rejected. It can also happen when we fail to meet our own expectations.
Sense of control: When we feel like we have control over a situation, we are less likely to experience stress. However, when we feel like we have no control, we can become very stressed. This is why traffic jams are so stressful. There's nothing we can do about them, so we feel powerless.
Recognizing these four states is a critical way to develop an appropriate relationship with stress triggers.
2. Motivation Matters: Understanding and Nurturing Your Child's Drive
Motivation plays a vital role in a child's development and success but it doesn’t come in one flavor. Everyone has a different type and each type needs to be addressed in a different manner. Here are some of the most common motivation issues and strategies to address them:
1. The Saboteur:
Does your child struggle to find motivation, seemingly sabotaging their own efforts? This type of challenge often stems from a disconnect between their current tasks and long-term goals. Help them connect the dots between what they enjoy, like playing with friends, and potential future careers that require interpersonal skills. Encourage them to say, "I want to do it" instead of "I have to do it." Incorporating short bursts of exercise, social support, and focused work periods can improve their motivation and attention.
2. The Eeyore:
Some children appear to lack motivation entirely, not knowing what they want. If this persists for an extended period, it may warrant a medical evaluation. Encourage them to engage in service activities, set limits on screen time, and express confidence that they will discover their interests. Encourage self-discovery by asking them what they enjoy and what they believe they excel at. Help them identify their talents and purpose, fostering a sense of direction.
3. The Hermione Ranger:
Is your child overwhelmed by stress and driven by fear of failure? These children often put immense pressure on themselves, fueled by external expectations. Reassure them that your love is not contingent on their grades or school choice. Share research demonstrating that success in life is not solely determined by educational achievements. Encourage them to focus on developing a balanced, happy, and resilient brain, aligning their values with their long-term goals.
Understanding your child's motivation challenges and providing the right support can help them thrive and navigate life's challenges with confidence and purpose.
3. Trickling Down Anxiety: The Impact of Parental Anxiety on Children
Up to 50% of children born to anxious parents may develop anxiety disorders themselves, leading to two distinct categories: "Dandelion Children," who seem impervious to anxiety, and "Orchid Children," who exhibit high sensitivity to their upbringing conditions. The transmission of anxiety from parents to children is not solely due to genetics but also involves epigenetics—a phenomenon where experiences can turn specific genes on or off.
This transfer of anxiety proteins can occur through "stress contagion," where children absorb stress from their environment, including strict teachers or anxious caregivers. Stress affects gene expression in fetuses and infants through a process called methylation, effectively locking the stress response genes in the "on" position, an impact that can persist into adolescence.
“Parental anxiety isn’t new. Parents have worried about their kids ever since having kids was a thing, but we believe it’s worse now than before. Why? For one, we have a lot more information than we’ve ever had before. In days past, we had to be okay with not being able to reach our kids at every waking minute. Now it’s almost a mandate that we know their every move. Barry Glasser, a top sociologist and author of The Culture of Fear, concludes that “most Americans are living in the safest place at the safest time in human history,” but it doesn’t feel that way because 24/7 news and social media inundate us with scary story after scary story about kidnappings, drug overdoses, and freak occurrences that, in their ubiquity, muddy our perspective. This, combined with an increasingly litigious culture, has dramatically changed the way we think of “danger.” Let your six-year-old climb a tree and you’re considered careless. Let your eight-year-old walk to school on her own and you’re positively neglectful.”
― William Stixrud
Even when parents believe they can hide their anxiety, the body's involuntary expressive system often betrays them. Children, while keen observers, may misinterpret signs of anxiety, potentially internalizing it as anger directed toward them, especially if they are Orchid Children.
This dynamic can create a negative feedback loop, where parental anxiety leads to a need for control, which, in turn, fuels children's rebellious attitudes, perpetuating anxiety in both generations.
Research from Johns Hopkins highlights the substantial impact of managing parental anxiety on reducing children's anxiety. Parents who used the intervention Coping and Promoting Strength (CAPS), a family-based selective anxiety prevention program targeting the offspring of clinically anxious parents, had their kids assessed for anxiety disorder. One year later, the kids of parents who used CAPS had a 5% rate of anxiety disorder compared to 31% in the control group. The control group also had higher levels of anxiety symptoms. Researchers stated, “Baseline child anxiety severity was a significant moderator. Significant mediators included parent psychopathology and parental modeling of anxiety.”
One key takeaway is the importance of seeking help to manage parental anxiety. Being a "non-anxious presence," a term coined by Rabbi Edwin Freeman, can significantly benefit children. Leaders are most effective when they remain true to themselves, fostering a healthier environment for their children.
Ultimately, children's greatest desire is not just more time with their parents but for their parents to be happier and less stressed. As the saying goes, "We're only as happy as our least happy child," underlining the reciprocal relationship between parental well-being and children's happiness.
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