How To Build The Life You Want: 3 Takeaways
“The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity—even under the most difficult circumstances—to add a deeper meaning to his life.”
― Arthur C. Brooks
Arthur Brooks was a respected economist and academic who, at age 55, decided to dedicate his life to bridging the gap between academic research and practical life improvement. He is the author of books like "Gross National Happiness" and "From Strength to Strength", however, "Building the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier" is a culmination of his research and work. It combines cutting-edge social science findings with his own personal journey and scores of evidence-based strategies for living a more fulfilling and meaningful life.
It’s worth noting that when I saw Oprah on the cover I was skeptical to read it. I really relate to the work and practices of Arthur Brooks but I thought this book would be diluted, soft, and a bit too far in the “pop self-help” section (is that a section?). I was surprised then when Oprah’s part was limited to the commentary between some chapters and, more surprised when it was worth reading versus skipping through.
This is one of the best books I read this year. It was instantly added to my recommendation list and it's one of the handful I will likely go back and read. Get this if you're interested in practical ways to live a better life.
Today I'll dive into three of the takeaways from the book: identifying your personality type, the importance of compassion (versus sympathy or empathy), and the importance of not chasing happiness.
Build The Life You Want: 3 Takeaways
1. Cheerleader, Mad Scientist, Sober Judge, or Citizen?
Happiness doesn't appear magically; it requires active construction. Brooks deconstructs this process, identifying four roles we play in life: the Poet, the Mad Scientist, the Cheerleader, and the Judge. These four profiles are based on the PANAS test, the Positive Affect Negative Affect Series, and it divides out the intensity of your positive and negative emotions and categorizes you into one of four distinct personalities based on this emotional intensity.
Meet the four personality labels:
Mad Scientist (High Positive & High Negative): Intense emotions in both directions, characterized by passion, creativity, and the need to manage strong negative feelings.
Cheerleader (High Positive & Low Negative): Exceedingly optimistic and upbeat, but may struggle with handling negativity and potential threats.
Poet (Low Positive & High Negative): Deeply creative and insightful, but prone to sadness and negative emotions, necessitating active management.
Judge (Low Positive & Low Negative): Calm and composed, with low emotional intensity, making them ideal for high-pressure professions but possibly appearing unenthusiastic.
Don't be seduced by the "Cheerleader" ideal. Every persona—the Poet's sensitivity, the Judge's grounding, the Mad Scientist's fervor—contributes to our vibrant world. Embrace your unique emotional landscape, harness its strengths, manage its quirks, and build your happiness on authentic foundations. Remember, diversity fuels harmony.
To find your archetype, take the quiz on Arthur Brooks’ site. I'm a mad scientist.
2. More Compassion, Less Empathy and Sympathy
Brooks argues that genuine happiness lies not in self-absorption but in cultivating compassion--the active desire to alleviate the suffering of others. While often confused with sympathy and empathy, Brooks identifies key distinctions that reveal compassion's transformative power:
Sympathy:
"Feeling sorry for" someone in their misfortune.
Passive understanding of another's pain without taking action.
Can sometimes lead to pity or condescension.
Empathy:
"Feeling with" someone, experiencing their emotions as if they were your own.
Creates a strong emotional connection and understanding.
Can be emotionally draining and lead to burnout.
Compassion:
"Feeling for" someone and actively wanting to help alleviate their suffering.
Motivates action and engagement to improve another's well-being.
Generates inner strength and purpose while fostering connection.
Brooks emphasizes that while empathy allows us to share another's pain, it's compassion that fuels the desire to take action. This shift from passive understanding to active engagement is crucial for fostering genuine happiness. By acting with compassion, we not only benefit others but also experience a profound sense of purpose and meaning in our lives.
Do this to cultivate compassion:
Practice mindfulness: Pay attention to the suffering around you, both in the world and in your personal interactions. Here are a few articles I’ve written on the topic: The Power of Now, 8 Mindfulness Practices, and The Secret of Happy People.
Engage in acts of kindness: Offer small gestures of support, volunteer your time, or contribute to charitable causes.
Develop emotional intelligence: Recognize and understand your own emotions to better identify and respond to the emotions of others. We use these emotional granularity magnetic wheels at home to help instill this in our kids.
Embrace forgiveness: Letting go of resentment and focusing on healing yourself and others fosters compassion and connection.
By prioritizing compassion, Brooks argues, we not only contribute to a better world but also unlock a deeper source of happiness, fulfillment, and resilience within ourselves.
3. The Happiness Paradox: Finding Joy by Letting Go of the Chase
"Building the Life You Want" presents a surprising truth: directly chasing happiness can often lead to the opposite result, often referred to as the backward law. This paradox of happiness can leave us feeling frustrated and lost, constantly striving for an elusive feeling that seems to slip through our fingers.
So, where does true happiness lie? Brooks argues that it's not found in an endless pursuit of pleasure and satisfaction, but rather in living a meaningful and purpose-driven life. This may sound vague, but it breaks down into tangible practices:
1. Shift Focus from "Having" to "Being": Instead of chasing after external factors like possessions or achievements, cultivate gratitude for what you already have. Practice mindfulness (see above) to appreciate the simple joys of daily life, the strength of your relationships, and the richness of experiences over material things.
2. Pursue Purpose, Not Happiness: Ask yourself, what makes your life meaningful? Identify your values, passions, and talents, and then align your actions with those. Contribute to something bigger than yourself, whether it's through volunteering, creative pursuits, or simply enriching the lives of those around you.
3. Embrace the Journey, Not Just the Destination: Happiness is not a static state, but rather a dynamic process of growth and learning. There will be challenges and setbacks along the way, but these are opportunities to develop resilience, learn from mistakes, and find deeper meaning in overcoming adversity.
4. Stop Measuring, Start Experiencing: Put down the self-help books and social media comparisons. Living authentically means accepting and embracing your unique journey. Celebrate your progress, not just milestones. Focus on enriching your experiences, not quantifying your happiness.
By letting go of the desperate pursuit of happiness and instead focusing on purpose, gratitude, and growth, we can unlock a more sustainable and fulfilling form of joy. It's about building a life that matters, not one that simply feels good. This shift in perspective, as counterintuitive as it may seem, is the key to finding contentment and lasting happiness.
Bonus: Be More Humble
One of my favorite takeaways from the book was to be more humble.
Embracing epistemic humility, or the recognition that someone else's viewpoint might be interesting or useful, can transform our relationships and our own mental health. In a society where one in six Americans have severed ties with friends or family over politics, adopting humility could bridge these divides. A 2016 survey baked up this sentiment and found that those with high humility scores had the most friends. Saint Augustine encapsulated this wisdom, advising his students: "Number one, humility. Number two, humility. Number three, humility."
Strategies to Cultivate Humility:
Admit Quickly When You Think You’re Wrong: Acknowledging mistakes promptly can defuse conflicts and build trust.
Welcome Contradiction: When faced with opposition, instead of feeling defensive, respond with curiosity. Engage with opposing viewpoints, befriend those who challenge you, and actively seek out diverse perspectives.
Start with Small Things: Practice humility in everyday choices, such as fashion or sports allegiances, to build a habit of open-mindedness.
