Stop Telling Your Kids To “Be Careful” (& What To Do Instead)
"'Be careful' is a phrase that sends the message that the world is a dangerous place and that children should always be on guard. This can lead to heightened anxiety, decreased self-confidence, and a missed opportunity for growth and development."
—Dr. Vanessa LaPointe
My son recently started to love to climb and jump. Playground apparatuses that I thought were too advanced and heights I thought would scare him off are all in his wheelhouse now. Naturally, he increases the challenge, becoming more proficient and more daring at the same moment. My new dad self would automatically blurt out "be careful" but I've since learned that not only does this not help him, it might have been hurting him.
As he makes his way up a rock climbing wall at the park I take a step back and take some slow exhales. Halfway up he looks back at me with concern and I confidently say, "You got this, bud." He grasps that next handhold to push himself over the top and a huge smile comes over his proud face.
While "be careful" would have come out of my mouth years prior in a similar situation, I know now that those words would have limited his potential and his confidence. Let's dive into why that's the case and what to say instead of “be careful.”
Why You Shouldn’t Say “Be Careful”
“Be careful is as empty of a phrase as “What’s going on?” when you pass someone at work. It conveys a sense of how you’re feeling but it lacks the depth to convey true danger. Should you be careful about a boulder about to fall on your head or about a pebble you may be close to stepping on?
Another drawback of forewarning them of not-so-dangerous danger is that our kids become habituated to it. You know when you say a word so many times that it loses its meaning? That semantic satiation and that’s what’s happening when you overuse a phrase like this. You are the boy crying wolf.
Furthermore, allowing kids to play, and thus learn, in these risky situations where we’re more apt to blurt out “be careful” has shown to have benefits.
The Science Of Risky Play
To determine the effects of risky play, researchers modified the play area of two preschools to “increase access to nature and risky play opportunities.” They then measured the changes in the behaviors of the children. The researchers found that there were “significant decreases in depressed affect, antisocial behaviour and moderate to vigorous physical activity, and increases in play with natural materials, independent play, and prosocial behaviours.” Even the teachers noticed an improvement in their “socialization, problem-solving, focus, self-regulation, creativity and self-confidence, and reduced stress, boredom and injury.”
Another study, Risky Play and Children’s Safety: Balancing Priorities for Optimal Child Development, found that,
“Literature from many disciplines supports the notion that safety efforts should be balanced with opportunities for child development through outdoor risky play. New avenues for investigation and action are emerging seeking optimal strategies for keeping children ‘as safe as necessary,’ not ‘as safe as possible.’”
These observations are interesting but not new. Around the time of World War II, a Danish landscape architect, Carl Theodor Sorensen, created "junk playgrounds" after he noticed kids were playing in areas other than playgrounds. This idea quickly spread and now there are about 1,000 "adventure playgrounds" all over the world which consist of less "fixed" play structures and more unique components like ropes for climbing, tires, planks, and assorted building materials.
What To Do Instead
Before saying “be careful” to your kids, pause and consider these questions.
Is it a truly serious situation? (If this answer is ‘yes’ then intervene)
How are you feeling right now?
Could your child benefit from learning from the situation for times when you're not there?
Will saying anything make your child more resilient?
If you don’t need to do anything, don’t do anything. Recognize the impact that this has on your child (more on that below in the debrief section). From there you can “downgrade” your help as we occupational therapists say by staying further away and being less present to foster self-confidence and autonomy in your child.
What To Say Instead Of "Be Careful"
Since "be careful" is often a way to say "don't get hurt" then shift your guidance to fostering a sense of mindfulness of the situation and themselves and promoting problem-solving skills.
Encourage awareness
Can you see how slippery the rocks are?
Is there something for you to hold onto?
Do you see anyone close to you?
Foster problem-solving skills
What’s your plan once you get to the top?
What are three ways you could do that?
What would you do if....
Provide support
Take your time.
I'm feeling ___. How are you feeling?
I’m right here if you need me.
You're made to do hard things
Promote Autonomy
Say less or nothing at all
Tip: As your child is going through a risky situation, focus on your breathing. Our bodies naturally have a tendency to hold our breath or hyperventilate which increases our sympathetic (fight, flight, freeze) nervous system. To counteract this, use this extended exhales breathwork technique. Inhale for 3-5 seconds and double the amount of time it takes to exhale. Repeat this and notice the difference in your mood.
Debrief Afterwards
Our brains are hardwired to pay more attention to negative information than positive information. This is called the negativity bias, and it's an evolutionary adaptation that helped our ancestors survive in dangerous environments. However, in our relatively safe world, the negativity bias can lead us to focus on the negative aspects of our lives and to overlook the positive.
This negativity bias also means that our memory and attention are unequally divided to favor errors, anxieties, and mistakes significantly more so than successes. The more likely you are to safeguard your child in situations, the more important it is to a debrief of these situations after the fact. This helps to override the negativity bias by storing more of those memories of success (i.e. your child made it through a risky situation when you were doubtful).
After each situation where you find yourself inching closer to helping your child either physically or verbally, do a debriefing after the fact by asking yourself a few questions:
How did my child get better by doing this?
What were my emotions before it happened and after it happened?
What is a way to upgrade the challenge next time?
If my child were doing this without me here, what could I do next time to help her do it more safely and independently?
Takeaway
Our words have a powerful impact on the development and confidence of our children. The simple act of replacing "be careful" with words of encouragement and support can make a significant difference in their growth and abilities. By reframing our language, we empower children to take on challenges, build resilience, and believe in themselves.
Furthermore, researchers have found that having kids engage in risky behavior improves mood, problem-solving skills, and prosocial behavior. Instead of instilling fear and caution, use these strategies: encourage awareness (“Can you see how slippery the rocks are?”), foster problem-solving skills (“What’s your plan once you get to the top”?), provide support (“I’m right here if you need me.”), and promote autonomy (say nothing). Afterward, debrief the situation and continue to support their physical and mental development.
What strategies do you say instead of “be careful”?
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