How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk: 3 Takeaways
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk focuses on kids ages 2-7 but the language-based concepts can be extrapolated to all kids. The authors, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, make this evident throughout the book by lending the adult perspective (e.g. You’d be annoyed too if your partner asked you, “Why did you yell at me when I told you not to?”). They use a foundation of language and communication skills to help manage the array of age-appropriate emotions kids are challenged with as their brain struggles to figure out the world.
Given the experience of the authors, they provide lots of recommendations coupled with a ton of FAQ that they’ve heard throughout the years teaching parents how to implement their recommendations. They plant a theme (help kids problem-solve) and then apply it to all different realms (cleaning up, interactions with other kids, eating) with many, many (too many?) examples.
For parents looking for a book to turn kids into disciplined robots, this isn’t it (psst: neither is the next book). They recognize that there’s no script that alleviates the frustration on you or “fixes” an issue. As they say, “There’s just no good shortcut for getting a cooperative kid.” They stress the importance of an approach that uses a lot of up-front energy for long-term solutions. That is, don’t fix the issue, facilitate the child to learn and carry it over.
It wasn’t easy to narrow it down to three takeaways, but here they are:
Praise The Right Way
“Good job,” “nice throw,” and “you did great” are my crutch. They were probably cemented in early on in my OT career when I used the power of positive reinforcement to get a patient to either participate in the session or task or do the task better so they could, in turn, leave the hospital healthier and more independent. Most of the time these things worked for my patients so if some was good, more was better and the habit was instilled.
Before I had kids I learned about the issues with external and empty evaluative praise but then I had kids and I couldn’t stop the words from spilling out of my mouth. My kids gave me the same responses as my patients–a smirk with some excitement–but the issue was that I was praising the outcome and not the effort.
Faber and Mazlish spend plenty of time on a surprisingly complex topic: praise. Outside of the book, there are plenty of debates on too much praise vs. too little but in the book, she focuses on the type of praise. She highlights research by Carol Dweck who studies the topic and concluded that kids who were praised for outcome didn’t do another task when given the opportunity whereas those praised for effort did. And kids praised for effort also did better on the task.
Here are some effort-based praise suggestions with examples.
It’s not always appropriate to praise. Kids don’t need an attaboy for smiling. And inflated and inauthentic praise is something they learn to see right through quickly. Plus, it doesn’t make them feel better and might with self-esteem. Pump the brakes on the praise.
Describe what you see. Instead of, “You’re the best big brother,” say “Little sister loves it when you share your toys with her.”
Ask a question instead of praise. Instead of “Cool picture,” say “How did you come up with the idea for this picture? What were you thinking when you drew this?”
Describe progress. Instead of “Great job getting dressed” say, “Now all we need to do is put the socks on” or “You’re so focused on putting that button through the hole.”
“Good job” is an easy go-to because it can fill any gap without criticism or question but it’s empty. If you find an insert here filler for effort-based praise it’s probably ineffective. Effort-based praise requires some effort on the praiser requiring some executive functioning skills to determine what the child did well. Maybe this is why it’s still not natural for me but I’m working hard to get to the point where I can forget about the “good job” days.
2. Sit On Your BUTS
Using the word “but” is a way to ruin good intentions. As soon kids hear this word they react without hearing the remaining, carefully articulated phrase that follows. As Faber and Mazlish put it, “It’s like saying, ‘I know how you feel but now I’m going to explain why how you feel is wrong.”
This is another crutch in my language with kids. “You want to eat eggs today but we are having chicken instead.” Sounds benign but my son looked away as soon as he heard “but.” Instead, she suggests using a substitute phrase and to use it at the start of the sentence. “The problem is….” and “Even though you know….”
Example 1: “That’s so disappointing that you want eggs right now. The problem is that we don’t have eggs and it’s too late to go shopping. Maybe you can add eggs to the shopping list.”
Example 2: “Even though you know it’s time to go to bed, it can be tough to start walking up the steps.”
Bonus points if you can pull in another tactic she stresses: giving information. Explain why it’s happening.
3. Sharing
Kid one has it but kid two wants it. Armageddon ensues. Taking sides leads to favoritism. Solving the issue just leads to suppressing their problem-solving skills and expecting you to do it in the future. So what the heck do you do? Here are some practical strategies to help solve the dilemma.
“This is a tough situation. Bobby and Jackie both want this block.”
“I’ll put the block over here until we have a plan.” This helps them focus on you.
Acknowledge each of the kids’ feelings and rationale. “Jackie, you look angry because you were playing with the block and want to build a house. Bobby, you look said because you want the block to build a tower.”
Ask them for ideas on how to solve the issue. If they can’t come up with one then start off with an example, “Let’s use the build a tall house together”
Difficulty with sharing is an age-appropriate issue. Choosing sides or solving the issue just means that the sharing issue will last even longer requiring more help (and frustration) from you. Use these strategies to teach life skills early.
