Annoying Things Kids Do (That Are Signs Of Healthy Growth)
My kids are the single greatest source of joy in my life. But sometimes they just do really annoying things that frustrate the heck out of me. They have tantrums, they refuse to eat foods they’ve eaten 100 times before, they just barely cross the line of every boundary we’ve set, and they’re little angels to teachers, grandparents, and strangers but turn into Angelica Pickles as soon as they lay eyes on my wife or I.
As difficult as it is for the logical part of my brain to comprehend, it turns out that not only are these developmentally-appropriate behaviors but they may also be signs of growth and intelligence.
Let’s dive in.
5 Healthy But Annoying Things Kids Do
1. Tantrums
Tantrums are frustrating (for both of you), embarrassing when they’re in public (for one of you), and seem to have no benefit whatsoever. Yet they're just a normal part of toddler life (for chimps too). Turns out that 87% of 18-24-month olds and 91% of 30-36-month olds have tantrums. As a child grows, their brain develops from the inside out. The inner part of the brain, the limbic system, contains the amygdala which senses fear and then sends that information to the hippocampus to act on it.
Meanwhile, the outer part of the brain that uses planning, logic, communication, self-regulation, and awareness is very slowly catching up in the development process. Think of a child’s brain like a car being slowly built over 25 years. Some of the most important parts like the engine and the body are partially formed from the start but the brakes don’t begin their multi-year installation until a couple of years later.
A tantrum happens when a kid’s need is not being met (tired, hungry, uncomfortable, overwhelmed). This signals the limbic system to go full throttle an a car which isn’t yet equipped with brakes resulting in a crash. While it sounds disastrous, tantrums are a way for your child to release emotions, learn about what frustrates him for future situations, and, once the sympathetic response (fight or flight) has subsided it activates their parasympathetic system (rest, digest, repair) which prompts a calm and tired kid. On top of that, it (should) prompt the caregiver to reverse engineer the situation to determine what the issue was and build on that knowledge for future situations.
It’s important to recognize these are not behavioral concerns, rather the child is literally unable to manage their emotions. The most important thing a parent can do is stay calm, keep them safe, and hold them if they want to be held. If temper tantrums turn violent, extend beyond toddlerhood, or last longer than 25 minutes then talk to your pediatrician. You should also consider Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (P.C.I.T.), an evidence-based intervention to decrease behavioral issues in children. My wife has been a P.C.I.T. instructor for many years and I can attest to its effectiveness (bonus: it's typically covered by insurance). See the Hunt, Gather, Parent: 3 Takeaways for more tips on managing tantrums.
2. Picky Eating
If your kid doesn't eat much more than mac and cheese, chicken fingers, and pizza then, unfortunately, you're not alone. As kids begin to take their first steps and explore the world around them they also tend to become pickier with the food on their plates. This is no coincidence.
The thought is that over hundreds of thousands of years, children evolved to limit their food intake to the familiar because in pre-industrial days they would venture from the tribe and into the surrounding vegetation where poisonous food may be calling their name. At the time, the children who had these picky eating aversions made safer decisions, lived, and passed on their genes.
Turns out that mother nature wasn’t concerned with your dinner plans.
Picky eating, also known as neophobia, tends to fade after 3 or 4 years old. There are some simple strategies to mitigate this food avoidance or restriction.
Be sure to offer many, many, many foods early on (an important part of BLW). The more they're exposed to the less they will restrict.
Put unfamiliar foods on their plate often so that they're more comfortable with them as a way to desensitize the fear.
Deepen the palate vocab. Openly talk about the textures, smells, and tastes of food with curiosity and acceptance.
And if your child has no reservations about voicing their hatred of broccoli then encourage them to use the word "yet," as in "I don't like broccoli yet." This avoids a strong mental block for months and years down the road which often overrides the hunger sensations.
3. Pushing The Limits
It's often said that a parent's job is to provide boundaries and a child's job is to test them. It makes sense that we parents make boundaries to keep kids safe but why do they have to push them? For one, kids love your attention. While this attention-seeking behavior is often murmured with an eye roll in parent circles, it's only natural that a totally dependent child craves the love and connection that they've relied on their entire lives.
Kids also push the limits because they're growing at a rapid pace and their brain is encouraging them to fine-tune skills they didn't even have too long ago in an effort to develop, and, you know, grow up. Kids learn and grow through their occupation of play. They climb trees to challenge their strength and any fear of heights. They jump down steps to challenge their gross motor coordination and stability. Their mind is racing with inquisitive and exciting thoughts and these “adventures” give them more feedback than our verbal lessons ever could.
In short, their "limits" aren't really their limits anymore. These limits are more our mental limits, our fear of our kids getting injured, and often our inability to adapt to their developmental maturity. Allow them to push the boundaries and learn through natural consequences. If kids are going to push the limits you mine as well encourage them to jump off that step in a more low-risk situation while you're around than when they're alone. While you should keep them safe, there is such a thing as too safe.
While it's important to establish and maintain boundaries, encourage self-directed play. Though it all, have debriefing periods in a post-game analysis where you talk to them about consequences, successes, dangers, and what could have been done differently. But do this by avoiding lecturing and ridiculing. Have an open discussion that they lead and be open to learning something. They're going to get older and push the limits so have fun with them as they do it.
4. Lying
My 3-year-old son was eager to play a game so when I said that it was time for bed and we'd do it tomorrow, he claimed "but mama said I could do it!" A quick rebuttal from mama suggested the contrary and my son sprinted off with a smirk. Is my son a sociopath? Nope, (long exhale) turns out he's normal.
There are three key components for an effective lie.
First, we need to use theory of mind, meaning we need to get in the head of the person we are lying to (dad doesn't want me to have the cookie but I want it).
Second, we need working memory, or the ability to temporarily store and process information to be able to store both the truth and the lie simultaneously.
Third, we need to implement effective problem-solving skills to plan the desired intention (get that cookie) in a reasonably acceptable way (mom said I could do it).
When it comes down to it, the simple act of lying is actually a higher-level executive functioning skill. Being adept at theory of mind, recall, and problem-solving shows prowess in the frontal lobe of the brain which translates into intelligence.
This brain development is further seen in the stats. About 30% of verbal 2-year-olds lie at some point and then it gradually increases from there. About 50% of 3-year-olds lie, 80% of 4-year-olds, and basically all 5-7 year olds.
While lying has a negative connotation, it’s an important skill that you use more than you realize in the role of relationships. Yes, lying can be wrong but if Dan and Colleen invite me over for dinner and the meal is horrible I'm going to implement some theory of mind to make sure I don't sever that relationship just because the burger was burnt.
The takeaway is that lying is a normal part of childhood development and it’s also a sign of intelligence This doesn’t mean you should encourage it or let the lie go but rest a little easier knowing that your child is just growing up.
5. Misbehaving Around Parents But Not Other Adults
After daycare, we would get reports from my son's teacher that, “He was an angel. He's so calm and polite." We’d go to my parents after school for a bit and he had the same demeanor. Then a simple request from me was met with the wrath of the devil and it would only get worse from there. Commands from us were met with Ghandi-style resistance, attempts at affection squandered with an angry tone, and even tears made their way out of this two-faced kid. My parents would look at him, then at each other, asking who is this?
The answer is simply, a normal kid. As adults, we can shape-shift a bit to fit the crowd and abide by social norms. We carry ourselves in one manner at a black-tie charity event and a (hopefully) much different manner on a low-key date night with our significant other.
When kids are around their parents they’re able to let loose and feel vulnerable because they feel safe and connected. When they're "a different child" in other scenarios they're utilizing higher-level cognitive functioning skills to manage their emotions and their behaviors. A 2019 faux study titled "Children are 800% Worse When Their Mothers are in the Room" went viral for a reason. Consider this authenticity a compliment to your parenting skills and a positive in the development column for your kid.
Conclusion
Parenting is a journey filled with joy and challenges, especially when it comes to dealing with our little ones' sometimes puzzling behaviors, however, it is essential to understand that many of these seemingly annoying actions are entirely normal and even indicators of growth and intelligence in children.
Tantrums, picky eating, pushing boundaries, lying, and being different around parents than with others are all developmentally appropriate behaviors. Tantrums, for instance, serve as a way for kids to release emotions and learn to cope with frustration, eventually leading to a calmer and more self-aware child. Picky eating is a natural survival instinct from our evolutionary past, and children tend to outgrow it over time. Pushing boundaries is a sign of cognitive development and a way for children to learn through their play experiences. Lying, while not encouraged, demonstrates higher-level executive functioning skills and frontal lobe development. Lastly, behaving differently around parents is a compliment to the safe and connected environment we provide, allowing our children to feel at ease expressing their emotions authentically.
By embracing and understanding these aspects of child development, parents can navigate these moments with patience, empathy, and a sense of wonder at the incredible growth and intelligence unfolding in their little ones. Let's cherish the joys of parenting and celebrate the unique journey we take alongside our children as they blossom into remarkable individuals.
Got any stories of developmentally appropriate but annoying things your kid does? Leave them in the comment section.
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