The 5 Principles Of Parenting: A Review & 3 Takeaways
“Children actually learn to feel more secure when they learn that good things can follow bad things, when they experience being forgiven, when they see that humans make mistakes of have conflicts and that isn’t the end of the world—it’s not even the end of the relationship.”
-Dr. Aliza Pressman
I’ve listened to Dr. Aliza Pressman’s podcast, Raising Good Humans, for years so I was excited when she announced that her new book was coming out.
Parenting with a constant knot of anxiety in your gut? Feeling like the "good parent" bar is perpetually out of reach? Dr. Aliza Pressman, renowned parenting expert and podcaster, offers a refreshing antidote in her new book, The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans. This isn't a dry, judgmental manual; it's a practical and comprehensive roadmap for parents that lends an ear (and salient advice) for the perfectionistic parents looking to better navigate the messy, glorious chaos of raising children.
The 5 Principles of Parenting: A Review
I’ve long been a listener of Raising Good Humans so I was excited when I heard that she was going to compile her years of experience into a book. Drawing on her years co-founding and working at the Mount Sinai Parenting Center, she weaves evidence-based recommendations seamlessly into engaging prose. Forget recycled anecdotes and old school advice; this book is a pragmatic toolkit for real-life parenting challenges.
The heart of the book lies in her 5 Principles: Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, and Repair. These aren't rigid formulas, but rather guiding pillars that illuminate every chapter. From the science of play and understanding temperament to tackling sleep woes and navigating sibling squabbles, Dr. Pressman empowers parents with actionable strategies.
What’s unique about "The Five Principles of Parenting" is the blend of practicality and compassion. While many parenting guides offer one or the other, Pressman bridges the gap. She understands the emotional rollercoaster of parenthood, and it shows in her writing. Her empathy is evident in her supportive but firm tone, offering encouragement and reassurance alongside actionable advice, even concluding each chapter with a self-regulation exercise. While the purpose is appreciated, it is not off-putting but more of a skimmable aspect of the book for those (myself included) who can’t directly relate to it. Needless to say the chapter "Raising Good Parents: Let's Be Done with the 'Martyr Mom' Archetype" was skimmed at best.
What I like about the book is that it’s practical, rooted in evidence, and implements straightforward strategies and solutions. It’s a great, versatile resource for parents of toddlers and tweens alike. Pull it off the shelf during a meltdown, revisit it for sleep tips, or delve into deeper topics like sex, gender, and sexuality. As Pressman says, "By becoming more intentional people, we become better parents. By becoming better parents, we become better people." This book serves as a trusted guide on that journey, helping you to raise good humans while supporting your own well-being.
3 Takeaways From The 5 Principles Of Parenting
Here are three key takeaways from "The 5 Principles of Parenting": building resilience, understanding temperaments, and implementing actionable strategies for behavioral success.
Raising Kids Who Can Weather Life’s Storms
Dr. Pressmen discusses The FIve R’s of parenting: Relationships, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, and Repair. These five practices lead to another R: Resilience. She acknowledges that kids are generally resilient, however, Dr. Pressman notes that
“…resilience depends on a host of factors, and it can be harmful to keep repeating the word as though children are solely responsible for ‘being’ resilient.”
She uses the definition of resilience as “the capacity of a system to adapt successfully to disturbances that threaten the viability, function, or development of the system.” The factors that impact this resilience include caregiver mental health, social relationships, attachment relationships, self-regulation, and problem-solving abilities. While resilience is a larger picture, it can be framed with this equation:
Exposure x Sensitivity x Vulnerability = Adaptive Capacity
The research on resilience in children was first recorded by psychologists during World War II. They observed that “children’s separation from their families could be scarier than the Blitz.” These observations, while new at the time, have been replicated many times since and are now considered a hallmark factor in resilience. This, in addition to the 5 R’s.is important for resilience. She takes it a step further and also includes the importance of GAMES—-Gratitude, Autonomy, Motivation, Empathy, and Self-regulation—as skills to improve resilience.
She spends much time on each of these skills so I’ll identify some highlights of one: autonomy. Here are practical ways to promote autonomy for,
Infants: promote tummy time and have the toys almost out of reach to “activate that zone of proximal development.”
Toddlers: She promotes scaffolding (although she does not use this term), where you allow kids to “stretch their skills” and provide just enough help to have them advance a skill such as getting dressed.
Elementary-age kids: For the first few times, walk them through tasks that they can do such as packing their own lunch, building up to the point where they can do it on their own.
Adolescents: Help them develop a plan by asking “What is your plan to break this down? What are the steps you need to take?” Downgrade the need for details as they become more autonomous.
2. The Types Of Temperament
Temperament—consistent individual differences in behavior that are biologically based and are relatively independent of learning, system of values, and attitudes—remains relatively consistent across all types of situations and throughout our lifetimes.
Psychologist Dr. Alexander Thomas and psychiatrist Dr. Stella Chess identified three types of children:
Easy: Happy go-getters, adaptable and predictable. Regular routines, mild reactions, and smiles galore make these kids life's little sunbeams.
Difficult: Strong emotions, slow warms, and a touch of sass. Cries, fussiness, and caution rule the day, but their intensity sparks hidden passions.
Slow-to-Warm Up: Shy butterflies with curious minds. Take their time blooming, with mild reactions and easy distraction, but their quiet observations reveal a depth waiting to unfold.
Research has found that our tendencies to be introverted or extroverted become apparent early in life and remain with us. The same goes for our sensitivity levels as Bruce Ellis and Thomas Boyce wrote in their 2005 paper, “Biological Sensitivity to Context” with the concept of dandelions and orchids and as 2018 researchers later amended to include middle tulips.
Dandelions (30% of people): They adapt like champs, anywhere, anytime. Think sunshine and smiles, not fancy teacups. These flexible folks bend with the wind, even in storms.
Middle Tulips (40%): Not too sensitive, not too tough. Just right, like your favorite oatmeal. They notice things others miss but aren't easily shaken. Think quiet strength and subtle awareness.
Orchids (30%): Imagine easily bruised butterfly wings. Gentle care and the right environment are key for these folks to thrive. Neglect them in a rough crowd, and they'll wilt. But with support, they blossom into something truly special, even outshining those tough dandelions, akin to “a flower of unusual delicacy and beauty.”
Orchids need a particular level of care given their sensitivity. Dr. Pressman provides good tips in her book on how to do this.
Not sure which sensitivity you or your child are? Find out by taking a quiz.
3. Behavioral Strategies
Here is a list of strategies to “set the stage for success” when it comes to your child’s behavior.
Catch your child being good. Use positive reinforcement as a tool for promoting what you want to see. Instead of “Stop doing that,” use “That was so nice of you to take a turn with your brother.”
Introduce interoception. Interoception is your body's inner whisper, telling you about your heart rate, hunger, and everything in between. Without the development of this sense, self-regulation becomes a challenge. Teach your children to become more aware of this sense and more curious about their body by saying things like “Before I walked into the party my heart was beating so fast and I had butterflies in my stomach.” See this interview I did with OT, Kelly Maher for more tips.
Follow predictable routines. Clear expectations mean more security and less worry. Be consistent with the most common activities like meals and bedtimes.
Prepare for transitions. Unexpected change can mean a range of intense emotions are about to be on display. Talk openly about changes, give a five-minute warning, and consider using a visual timer.
Anticipate and prevent when possible. Identify patterns to your child’s tantrums or behavioral difficulties. If a trigger is seeing treats, over-stimulating environments, or just the time of 1:00 pm then be proactive in managing the situation by encouraging a nap, validating their feelings, and modifying the environment (limit the overstimulation and hide those treats).
Plan ahead with big reactors. Spend one-on-one time with your child during the times when they are not having intense emotions to discuss self-soothing strategies. Consider setting up a safe space with comfort items to help with self-regulation.
Offer choices. Choices give kids a sense of autonomy. Offer reasonable ones like, “Would you like to get in the car yourself or do yuo want me to help you?”
Introduce contracts. Create clear expectations with a collaborative contract to ensure respect for a plan you and your elementary school kids and tweens both agree on.
