Newborn Sleep Tips: 8 Strategies to Turn Moments of Hell into Positive Parenting
“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps,
everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
-Ray Romano
The idea for this post came around midnight when my 3-week-old daughter took an hour to fall asleep while she was using her pterodactyl-like scream to tell us she was gassy, tired, hungry, and had reflux. She was doing the typical soothing tactics—drinking, burping, farting, and even having short moments of rest—but for the better part of that hour, she was inconsolable. I needed newborn sleep advice stat.
I tried as many techniques to help her get back to sleep as I used to ease my own stress. For six and a half months since that time she was colicky with no apparent end in sight. It got better, as it tends to do, but these tactics got me through. Here are my best newborn sleep tips from the parent’s mental health angle.
Remember that it’s not behavioral
A human brain matures from the inside out. Over many millions of years, the inner part of the brain (the reptilian brain) developed as a simple, life-preserving tool. The basic functions of the human brain include avoiding pain, sucking a nipple, and pooping (while some animals pop out of the womb a little more advanced and walk). Your baby's brain will develop rapidly and eventually they will use their cry to tell you when they want something but right now they only use their cry to tell you that they have needs.
It’s not so bad
The strategy that works best for me in these (and many other) situations is putting it in perspective. At this moment while I’m shush-ing my kid to sleep:
There is a dad in the next town over who is in your situation….but with twins.
There is a soldier barely hanging on through night 4 of Hell Week to become a Navy SEAL.
There is a single parent in a cold, war-torn country also waking up to their baby’s cry while hearing gunshots in the distance.
On a less extreme level, my wife is (hopefully) asleep in bed recovering from a human coming out of her crotch not too long ago as her body is undergoing rapid changes in hormones. Her breasts are in pain and there are deeper bags under her eyes.
Whatever viewpoint works for you, use it. It could always be worse.
Wear it as a badge of honor
Stress, anxiety, and fatigue are part of the job early on. Decades from now you’ll be that annoying adult saying to the younger generation of parents, “I know what you’re going through….” You may be too tired to feel good about the job you’re doing but sooner or later you’ll be able to have a sense of accomplishment as you look at your kid slowly becoming more and more independent. Know that you had a prominent role in that.
Find a favorite part
Waking up to care for your kid isn’t having a cold beer on the beach in the Caribbean, but you can still find something positive in it.
The satisfaction you get when they burp or fart
Their squishy face
That your wife can sleep
The satisfaction of putting them back in the bassinet calmer than they came out
Identify what part of night feeds makes you happiest (maybe start with the least irritable) and note it when the time comes.
Be mindful of your response
When the crying is in full swing your muscles will tense up like you’re about to be in a brawl. This is a natural stress response that happens when the sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, or freeze) is triggered. In order to ease this stress response and activate your sympathetic nervous system (rest and digest), relax these muscles. Do a progressive muscle relaxation technique and start with your face muscles, then your jaw, then your upper shoulders, and work your way down your body and relax each muscle with each breath.
Double the exhale
This sympathetic nervous system activation will also increase your heart rate and limit your vagus nerve stimulation. The vagus nerve helps promote the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system (rest, digest, and repair). To stimulate the vagus nerve and calm your body down, slow your inhales and make your exhale longer than your inhale.
We won’t get into the physiology now but when you inhale it activates the sympathetic and when you exhale it activates the parasympathetic nervous system. So exhale longer than you inhale to have your rest, digest, and repair system override the fight, flight, or freeze system. The longer the exhale relative to the inhale the better, so double your exhale time relative to your inhale time. For example, if your inhale is 4 seconds long then exhale for 8 seconds. Your body will calm down in just a few breaths.
This technique is my number one go-to. Practice this breathwork strategy (and some others) during the day in order to more easily and automatically access it at these times.
Empathize
You might have it rough, but she has it rougher. She was growing in a perfectly comfortable, warm, pool-like belly for 9 months without a hitch. Then all of a sudden she’s out in the world wearing things called onesies under bright lights with these enormous humans putting wipes in her crack. And on top of that, she has reflux, a rash on her butt, sharp gas pains, and a fresh poop.
Recognize that becoming a newborn is the toughest transition of a human’s life.
“An hour will pass.”
Occasionally there will be a patient I work with who has unrealistically high demands. Regardless of how perfect the therapy session may be, they always walk away frustrated that it wasn’t better. A mentor of mine reminds me that during those sessions “an hour will pass.”
Your baby will cry, poop, pee, and not always respond as you expect. As you do the best you can to support them, remember that this time will pass.
Taking care of newborns at night is meant to be hard, thanks to evolution. If it was easy or relaxing then we would be less likely to do it and our kids wouldn’t get their needs met. Be strong through this and both you and your kid will grow stronger from it.
It gets better. I promise.
Related:
Since you’re reading these newborn sleep tips, you’re probably struggling so here are some other strategies to help that I’ve written about.
Build resilience through this stage.
Consider the lighting in the room and dial in your own sleep for some self-care too.
