Goodbye "Good Job!": The Right And Wrong Way To Praise Your Child
"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice."
—Peggy O'Mara
“Good job!”
“Nice hit.”
“You’re so smart!"
They sound innocent enough but what if these empty words of praise are hindering intrinsic motivation, providing a fear of failure, reducing emotional regulation skills, and even affecting their grades and mental health?
Recent research suggests that empty praise, lacking specific details or connection to a child's actions, can have unintended consequences. While we all want to celebrate our children's achievements, relying solely on generic praise might be doing them a disservice.
Beyond the initial smile, empty praise fails to provide valuable feedback or guidance. It can even discourage a growth mindset, encouraging the belief that intelligence and abilities can be developed through effort and perseverance. When children are consistently praised for their inherent abilities ("You're a natural!"), they may develop a fixed mindset, believing their skills are unchangeable. This can lead to a fear of failure and a reluctance to tackle challenges, ultimately hindering their long-term development.
This isn't to say that all positive reinforcement is bad. A simple "high five!" or a genuine smile can go a long way. however, when it comes to truly fostering growth, it's important to move beyond empty praise.
Let’s dive in to learn the best ways to praise your kids.
Praising Kids: The Do’s & Don’ts
Empty Praise & How It Hinders Growth
Praise is a fundamental tool in a caregiver's arsenal, a way to acknowledge achievements and encourage continued effort. "Good job!" "Fantastic!" "You're so smart!" These phrases roll off the tongue easily, aiming to build confidence and a sense of accomplishment in children. However, while well-intentioned, relying solely on empty praise can have unintended consequences.
Empty praise, lacking specific details or connection to the child's actions, offers a superficial pat on the back. While it might elicit a temporary smile, it fails to provide valuable feedback or guidance. Research suggests that a steady diet of empty praise can have drawbacks for a child's development.
One potential concern is that empty praise can discourage a growth mindset. When children are consistently praised for their inherent abilities ("You're so talented!"), they may develop a fixed mindset, believing their intelligence and skills are unchangeable. This can lead to a fear of failure and a reluctance to tackle challenges, as was observed in a 1998 study called Praise for intelligence can undermine children’s motivation and performance. As you can probably guess, the study found that children praised for their intelligence after completing a task were less likely to choose a challenging task for a subsequent activity compared to those praised for their effort. This suggests that empty praise can hinder a child's motivation to tackle challenges and seek new learning opportunities.
Furthermore, empty praise can diminish intrinsic motivation. When children are accustomed to external validation, they may become reliant on praise for the drive to try new things or persevere through difficulties. This dependence on external rewards can hinder the development of their internal sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. This indicates that empty praise can cultivate a fear of failure, potentially leading children to avoid challenges and hindering their long-term growth.
Praising Effort and Progress: Cultivating a Growth Mindset
Effective praise is a powerful tool that can nurture a child's confidence, motivation, and love of learning. However, it's crucial to move beyond generic statements like "good job" or "you're smart" and shift towards effort-based praise, fostering a growth mindset.
A growth mindset, popularized by psychologist Carol Dweck, encourages the belief that intelligence and abilities can be developed through effort and perseverance. This contrasts with a fixed mindset, where individuals believe intelligence and abilities are fixed traits.
Studies have shown that praising effort can foster a growth mindset, leading to several positive outcomes:
Improved academic performance: A 2022 systematic review and meta-analysis found that interventions promoting a growth mindset, including praising effort, led to students in the intervention group scoring significantly higher on standardized achievement tests compared to control groups.
Enhanced emotional well-being: A 2022 study conducted on 2,505 freshman in college revealed that students with a growth mindset exhibited lower levels of mental health issues and stress due to life events compared to those with a fixed mindset. Specifically, individuals with a growth mindset were less susceptible to depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. Moreover, they demonstrated better coping mechanisms and resilience in the face of challenges.
Increased persistence and resilience: A 2018 study, Effects of Ability and Effort Praise on Children’s Failure Attribution, Self-Handicapping, and Performance, found that when kids are told they're smart, they tend to blame other things when they fail, like feeling nervous or not trying hard enough. This made them come up with excuses or avoid trying again (“self-handicapping behaviors”), which didn't help them get better. On the other hand, when kids are praised for trying hard, they are more likely to keep trying even if they fail at first.
While praising the effort is important, we don’t just want effort, effort, effort. As Melinda Wenner Moyer writes in How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes,
“It's not just effort that we want to encourage but effective effort. We want effective, productive effort.”
How To Praise A Child Effectively
Praise is most effective when it's specific, genuine, and focuses on the process and effort rather than just the outcome or the inherent abilities.
1. Specific: Instead of a generic "good job," highlight the specific details of your child's achievement.
Example: "I loved how you used different colors and shapes to create a feeling of movement in your drawing, it makes it look like the animals are running!" instead of saying this: "Nice drawing!"
Example: "I noticed you carefully checked your work before turning it in, that attention to detail is impressive!" instead of saying this: "You must have gotten a good grade!"
2. Focus on Process and Effort: Praise the journey, not just the destination. Highlight your child's strategies, hard work, and persistence.
Example: "I saw you practicing your piano piece for a long time, and it really paid off! You can definitely tell you've been working hard." instead of saying this: "You sound great!"
Example: "Even though you didn't win the race this time, I was so impressed by how you encouraged your teammates and never gave up." instead of saying this: "Better luck next time!"
3. Be Genuine: Make sure your praise is sincere and authentic, reflecting your true observation of your child's effort.
Example: "I can tell you put a lot of thought and effort into your presentation, the way you explained each point was clear and engaging." instead of saying this: "Great job on the presentation!"
Example: "I'm so proud of how you kept trying even when the problem seemed difficult, your perseverance is inspiring!" instead of saying this: "You're so smart!"
Strategies For Effective Praise
Describe the child's actions and strategies: Instead of simply saying "good job," point out the specific steps your child took to achieve something. For example, "I loved how you used different colors and shapes to create a sense of depth in your drawing." This highlights their effort and the process they followed.
Connect effort to positive outcomes: Help your child see the connection between their hard work and the positive outcome they achieved. For example, "You practiced your violin piece so diligently, and it really paid off! It sounded beautiful today." This reinforces the value of effort and perseverance.
Use the word "yet": This powerful word emphasizes that challenges and setbacks are temporary and opportunities for learning. When your child struggles, say something like, "You haven't mastered that level yet, but keep practicing and you'll get there!" This encourages them to view difficulties as part of the learning process.
Describe what you see: Instead of praising, simply describe your child's actions in a neutral and objective way. For example, "I see you're working hard on that puzzle." This allows them to focus on the task at hand and fosters self-awareness.
Ask questions: Encourage your child to reflect on their process and learning. Ask questions like, "What strategies did you use to solve that problem?" or "What was the most challenging part of this project?" This helps them develop self-evaluation skills and a deeper understanding of the material. Just be aware of when you’re asking too many questions such as when you’re in “Special Time.”
Praise less. While praising children can be seen as positive, it can also cultivate a reliance on external validation and hinder the development of intrinsic motivation. Instead, fostering a sense of connectedness, autonomy, and competence can lead to a more sustainable drive and sense of accomplishment. Read more about the importance of praising less here.
What I Do
It's humbling to realize how much thought goes into something as seemingly simple and trivial as saying "good job" to my kids. But between the research, marrying a psychologist, and witnessing the impact firsthand at the clinic, I know I can improve my approach. And it’s been a work in progress for the past four years.
Moving beyond the generic "good job" to offer specific, genuine, and effort-based praise requires consistent effort. It's not a marathon-type effort, but seeking nuanced details in my children's actions throughout the day adds up.
Another ongoing challenge is balancing praise with fostering intrinsic motivation. While some of my praise aims to encourage newly formed habits—cleaning up, cleaning up after dinner, taking their shoes off at the door—the constant stream can lead to a reliance on external validation. They anticipate my praise, waiting for a response. Therefore, I’m constantly striving to offer intermittent and random reinforcement to shift focus toward intrinsic motivation and personal satisfaction.
But sometimes I also just defer to the non-verbal praise that comes in the form of a smile, nod, fist pump, or kiss on the head. These get the point across while allowing my kids to put their own interpretation behind it.
With all of that being said, it's important to note that occasional generic praise like "good job" or "great kick" isn't inherently harmful and won't send your child into a tailspin of depression, poor grades, and a life spent terrified of the next task she might fail it. However, relying solely on this type of praise lacks the depth and specificity that can truly encourage growth and a growth mindset.
While there are a lot of resources out there, two of my favorite books to learn about praise are How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
Takeaway
Understanding the impact of empty praise is crucial for caregivers seeking to nurture a child's growth and development. While phrases like "good job" or "you're so smart" may seem harmless, research suggests that empty praise lacking specificity or connection to a child's actions can hinder growth. Children praised solely for their innate abilities may develop a fixed mindset, perceiving intelligence and skills as unchangeable traits. This can lead to a fear of failure and reluctance to tackle challenges, ultimately stifling their motivation and hindering long-term growth.
In contrast, embracing effort-based praise fosters a growth mindset, emphasizing the belief that intelligence and skills can be cultivated through perseverance. Studies indicate that praising effort leads to improved academic performance, enhanced emotional well-being, increased persistence, and improved self-regulation skills. By focusing on specificity, process, and genuineness in praise, caregivers can empower children to embrace challenges, develop resilience, and cultivate a love of learning, laying the foundation for lifelong growth and success.
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