Kids Behavior Management: 25 Parenting Tips and Tricks (Part 3)
"What is essential for the child is that they are loved and respected for what they are, not for what they will become."
—Allice Miller
The parent-child relationship is a complex dance of love, guidance, and growth. One of the most crucial aspects for fostering healthy development is establishing effective behavior management strategies. This guide explores 25 practical tips and techniques designed to address a wide range of behaviors commonly observed in children.
We'll move beyond punitive measures and delve into methods that emphasize communication, understanding, and emotional regulation. The focus is on equipping parents with a variety of tools to address different situations effectively.
Whether you're a new parent seeking guidance or an experienced one looking for fresh perspectives, this resource offers both evidence-based and anecdotal strategies on helping bring out the best version of your child.
25 Behavior Management Tips & Tricks
1. Be consistent but not rigid. Yes, it's important to be consistent with your disciplinary actions but it's also important to remember that there are times when you can be a little lenient. Use your parenting Spidey sense to determine if you should pull an audible when your child is unusually tired, hungry, sick, or emotionally "off."
2. Don't have too many rules. Having a list of 29 rules hanging up in your house sounds like a sensible thing to do to teach order but too many rules counterintuitively means more chaos. They're trying to remember the rules (and when and where to apply them), you're looking for them to break them, and it becomes confusing when guests come over or when you go to other places and rules don't all apply. Too many rules also hampers creativity, relaxation, and a happy family cohesion which Adam Grant brings up in Think Again. Instead of a list of rules, come up with a few virtues that cover the way you and your children should act in the house. The blogger, Wendy Speake, uses three virtues in her house: respect, responsibility, and resourcefulness.
3. Don't minimize their perception. Yes, it might have just been a piece of chicken that fell on the floor but that doesn't mean that their reaction is any less important or real than another issue. Saying something like, "It was just chicken" or "You're just tired" dismisses their feelings. Rely on connection with empathy.
4. Instead of telling them what not to do, tell them what to do. This is one that my wife has to remind me of often. For instance, instead of saying, "Don't throw your cup on the floor," which leaves room for defiant interpretation, offer a specific alternative, such as, "Please place your cup on the table." This indicates the desired behavior but also teaches them what to do in a given situation.
5. Separate the discipline from the affection. Don't use your happiness or satisfaction level as a conditioning tool for your child's behavior. In other words, don't let your kids think you only love them or pay attention to them when they're doing what you want.
6. Let kids experience natural consequences. Natural consequences get quick results. They teach your child much faster than any external form of consequence because your child can see the direct correlation between their behavior and the natural consequences that are occurring. As kids it's a low-risk situation, as adults, the stakes are higher. Go beyond letting them learn and, instead, encourage them to learn the consequences of their decisions related to money, friends, and safety (e.g. jumping off of things) at a young age. Encourage exploration and learning through failure (while saying "Be careful" less).
7. Grant your child’s wish…in fantasy. Recently we were leaving a store and my son became sad that he didn't get a toy. I responded with, "I wish you could have that 100 of those toys and the one that was next to it and all in different colors." He broke a huge smile and responded with, "Yeah, and it would go up to the ceiling!" We went back and forth like this for 10 more minutes. These fantastic responses allow you to show empathy, connect to your child, and offer a pathway to a creative and imaginative land where they can transition their emotional state into one that is curious and excited.
8. Manage your own parental stress. That oft-repeated analogy about putting on your own oxygen mask first is overused for a reason; it's important and relatable. If you're not taking care of your own mental well-being then it's going to be difficult to take care of your children's. Rarely (ever?) will you find a happy and well-mannered child following closely behind a stressed-out or angry parent. While sacrificing self-care for your kids may be necessary at times, it's unwise to do so all the time. No one is more patient, loving or supportive when they're running on empty.
9. Intervene less. It's natural to want to jump in and solve every problem or discomfort your child encounters, whether it's sharing a toy or comforting them after they scrape their knee. Constantly intervening, however, can inadvertently hinder their development of independence and problem-solving abilities. When children rely too heavily on immediate adult intervention, they may struggle to navigate challenges on their own and develop resilience. Instead, take a step back, wait 5 seconds or a long breath, and allow them a brief moment to assess and respond to the situation. This encourages them to think through their actions, find solutions, and build confidence in handling everyday challenges. Plus, it communicates to them that you trust their ability to handle minor conflicts or discomforts.
10. Have a mantra. Having a mantra means using a specific word, phrase, or sound repetitively, often during meditation or stressful situations, to focus the mind and foster a sense of calm or determination. I first discovered the power of mantras during workouts and races, where they helped me push through challenges and achieve my goals. Similarly, children can benefit greatly from using mantras to learn self-regulation, manage emotions, and improve behavior. It's important to choose mantras that are age-appropriate and that resonate with the child's personal needs and goals. Pick one and use it often then have them mirror you. Here are some examples:
"I am in control of my actions."
"I can take deep breaths to calm down."
"I can ask for help when I need it."
"I am responsible for my own behavior."
"I am learning to make good choices."
My favorite is "Good" (thank you Jocko<--not for kids) which may need to be taught in gentler language.
11. Get a "That's Right." I took this from a great book called Never Split The Difference which was written by a hostage negotiator (both parenting and hostage negotiation deal with tiny dictators who can melt down at any moment). The author, Chris Voss, uses a technique is the "that's right" principle. In the case of parenting, it involves getting your child to acknowledge and embrace what you're saying. This breakthrough often occurs during a negotiation, and it's a subtle but powerful epiphany for them. To do it, try summarizing your child's perspective effectively, going beyond mere paraphrasing by also acknowledging the emotions underlying their feelings.
For instance, if your child is upset about bedtime, you might say, "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated because you want to stay up a little longer." Once they acknowledge it (a head nod will do), continue to empathize with them to let them know you understand how they're feeling. "You want to keep playing because it'll be more fun than falling asleep." Keep it going until you notice the hard emotions subside then follow it up with an explanation. "I don't blame you, buddy. We had such a fun day and we don't want it to end yet. Let's get the deepest sleep ever and do it all over again tomorrow morning."
12. Get them back on the horse. One common trigger for emotional outbursts in children is fear, often sparked by the anticipation of pain or discomfort. For example, when a child falls off a toy or encounters a sudden rush on a ride, their brain instinctively signals a "stop and avoid" response. Rather than swiftly removing them from the situation, a more effective approach involves gently reintroducing them to the object or situation they fear. This gradual exposure, done gently and successfully over time, can help children overcome their apprehensions and build resilience.
13. Make a play. Get theatrical with your parenting skills by setting up a play where the whole family creates a scenario that mirrors a challenging situation or behavior. Assign roles, with one family member acting as the child and others as parents or authority figures. This interactive approach lets kids see the situation from different perspectives which fosters empathy. Kids can practice responding to different scenarios while reinforcing appropriate behavior in a fun and non-threatening way.
14. Ask for solutions. When your kid comes to you with a problem, the immediate response is often solving it. Instead, ask them for ideas. Don't shoot down any "bad" or "wrong" ones either. Have them develop their problem-solving skills while working with you to find a solution.
15. Best, worst, and most likely. Mitigating anxiety or fear through planning can be effective for all kids but especially for those who struggle with unpredictable situations. This approach involves guiding them to explore three scenarios: the best-case outcome, the worst-case outcome, and the most likely scenario. This exercise helps them prepare mentally and emotionally for various possibilities without overwhelming them. It also encourages them to envision positive outcomes and acknowledge potential challenges. Take it a step further and go into problem-solving mode in each of these situations as appropriate.
16. Encourage curiosity. As Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck writes,
"Curiosity cures: anxiety, ignorance, selfishness, extremism. Curiosity creates: empathy, compassion, knowledge, growth. Curiosity prevents: arrogance, judgment, stagnation. Practice curiosity."
Foster curiosity in your child as a tool for improving their behavior. Encourage them to explore and ask questions about their actions and emotions as well as the behaviors of others. When you nurture curiosity, you promote self-awareness and emotional intelligence, which leads to better behavior and decision-making.
17. Embrace failure. Failure is considered taboo in many circles of our society. Teaching kids to fear it and avoid it teaches fragility. Failure, however, is going to happen and it has the opportunity to make us better if we have the right mindset for it. Don't steer kids away from failure or any safe struggles that may lead to it. Guide them through the feelings and the situation by discussing how it allows them to grow and become resilient. This leads to more confident, capable, and successful adults.
18. Identify the emotion. Start by validating how they're emotion. "You're feeling angry." Then draw the boundary: "It's not okay to hit someone." This combination of emotional validation and boundary setting allows the child to understand that their feelings are recognized while also establishing limits on their behavior. It's crucial to remember, however, that teaching coping skills should occur during calmer moments since children often struggle to absorb new information or use logic and reason when they are in a highly stressed state.
19. Rebrand timeouts as mindful moments. Instead of viewing timeouts as punitive measures, this new perspective emphasizes the opportunity for the child to practice mindfulness techniques. During a "mindful moment," encourage children to take a break and engage in down-regulating activities such as deep breathing, body scanning, or brief meditation. This approach not only helps the child regulate their emotions but it also promotes emotional awareness and self-control.
20. Integrate sensory play: Sensory play allows children to engage with various textures, movements, and environments to provide them with opportunities to explore different sensations and stimuli which can help them regulate their emotions, enhance their focus, and develop important sensory processing skills. For kids who are sensory seekers or have sensory processing disorders (PSD), have a go-to area where they can explore. Check out these sensory playroom and sensory bin ideas from Sensory Mom.
21. Create a narrative. Storytelling is a great way to help manage in-the-moment behaviors because our brains are wired to want to listen and learn from stories. Use superlatives as well as words like "huge," "magical," "secret," "superpower," "brave," and "trap door" sprinkled throughout the story. Make it relatable, creative, and purposeful. Bonus points if you can get them to give you input on the character's behaviors.
22. Use mirroring. Mirroring involves subtly reflecting their gestures, expressions, or emotions to foster a deeper connection and understanding. For example, if your child shows excitement about a recent accomplishment, mirroring can involve responding with a similar level of enthusiasm. IThis not only validates their emotions but also creates a harmonious exchange, strengthening the bond between you and your child. While it sounds obvious and may already be innately woven into your communication, it doesn’t come easy for everyone. This skill, however, is important to help establish a sense of connection and empathy.
23. Give them purpose. Having purpose is one of the fundamental concepts in human behavior. Without it, research shows that our mental health, well-being, and motivation all suffer. When children have a sense of purpose, they develop a corresponding sense of responsibility, autonomy, and enthusiasm. Assigning age-appropriate tasks that contribute to their personal growth, such as managing their belongings or planning aspects of their daily routine like when to wake up or bathe, becomes a crucial part of cultivating a sense of independence and accomplishment.
24. Practice previewing. Previewing helps your child anticipate upcoming events and potential challenges. Imagine you're about to take your child to a birthday party. You might start by saying, "Remember Sarah's birthday party? Last time there were a lot of kids and it got a little loud. What if we start to feel overwhelmed? Maybe we can take breaks outside for some fresh air. What are other things we can do?” By talking through these scenarios beforehand, you're reducing your child's anxiety, equipping him with self-regulation, and identifying coping strategies to stow away and pull out as needed
25. Use screens appropriately….or not at all. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) offers clear guidelines to help: no screen time for under 18 months (except video chatting with loved ones), limited educational programming with a caregiver for 18-24 months, and up to an hour of high-quality media on weekdays and three hours on weekends for 2-5 year olds. These limitations are important because excessive screen time can hinder development in areas like language, social skills, and imagination as well as in emotional regulation abilities.
One simple rule of thumb to use is coined by Emily Oster in The Family Firm: If they're happier, more engaged, or better behaved when screens are off, it might be a sign they've had enough. Don’t use them as a crutch, a reward, or a means to just keep kids quiet. And when you do use screens, make sure it is positive and high-quality content.
What is your best parenting tip or trick for behavior management?
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