“How Does This Serve Me?” A Psychologist’s Brain Hack
We were on our way to the zoo when my wife, a psychologist, started demonstrating a new anxiety-relief strategy: an anti-anxiety mantra. Within moments, her mood shifted 180 degrees. In awe, my next question was naturally, "Do you want to write about that on MindBodyDad?" Here’s what she wrote:
Hi there,
"How does this serve me?"
This is the deceivingly-powerful question that you observed me asking myself this past weekend, as I sat in the passenger seat of our car, staring out the window, while you drove me and the kids to the Zoo.
It was an absolutely gorgeous day on Sunday. The sun was shining, our daughter had just fallen asleep after a screaming fit, and our son was happily playing with some trucks that he brought along for the ride. My sister and nephew, as well as some wonderful WVU friends that I don't always get to spend time with, were also meeting us there with their kids- double bonus. My God, talk about the stage being set for a great day.
Despite actively and aggressively practicing gratitude for moments like these, my heart was racing. I felt that uncomfortable pounding in my chest, and the early sensation of that glitchy restlessness that eventually makes you feel unnervingly distracted and ready to jump out of your own skin. The logical part of my brain immediately went into "problem-solving mode," while attempting to talk myself out of the left-field anxiety.
Moments like these are painfully incredible reminders of just what exactly my clients and I are up against each time we enter into sessions.
Retraining Your Brain
"How does this serve me?"
This is the question that has become my mantra, and it has made all the difference. Getting into the habit of asking myself this simple question has changed the way I feel (physically, cognitively, and emotionally), practice (as a psychologist), and most importantly, live.
When I ask myself this question, what I'm really trying to get at is,
"How is this anxiety (specifically, the pounding in my chest, restlessness, and sense of impending doom) helping me function as a mother, wife, friend, therapist (or whatever hat I happen to be wearing) in this moment?"
When I ask myself this question, time and time again, I am met with the same answer, "It's not helping me do better in this moment - it's actually just making me feel awful."
How It Works
By asking myself this question, I'm pulling in mindful awareness to examine how anxiety feels during these uncomfortable moments, as well as collecting data on its functionality ("How IS this feeling serving me?"). By actively and intentionally making this mindful practice habit, I've started to retrain my brain to recognize and distinguish between helpful and unhelpful thought processes. Over time, this practice will shift from being an intentional habit that teaches your brain to identify the more rewarding cognitive behavior, to an effortless, conscious state.
It's pretty embarrassing to admit that it only took me 15 years in the field to understand all the hype about this "mindfulness/meditation crap"...but I drank the Kool Aid, and in the words of the great Dr. Judson Brewer, "hacked the shit out of my brain."
For anyone out there who struggles with that insidious feeling of angst and dread that has the potential to lurk around just almost any corner, I highly recommend his book, Unwinding Anxiety.
Oh, and therapy helps too...😊
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