The Secret of Happy People
“Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants.”
-Epicetus
Over the years I’ve worked with many patients who “worked their butt off” for decades at their jobs in order to stop working in their 60’s and enjoy retirement. They tell me they’ve put in their time, saved up enough, had their retirement party, and walked away from work with the biggest smiles.
Fast forward a year and their bucket list is complete but they’re in rehab because the retired life they worked so hard for turned out to be mostly spent deepening the butt crease in the recliner. Their mind and body suffered as a result and now their retirement is “ruined.” They watch TV show after show contemplating why they worked so hard the past 45 years to now be working on basic life skills in therapy like being able to get dressed and walk without help.
It happens again and again. They’re always so far from being the happy people they imagined. Buy why?
Why Aren’t Happy People Everywhere?
This scenario of constantly thinking about the future life of leisure in retirement is a common one. Forward-looking daydreaming brings superficial happiness and instant smiles (in the same way that a winning lottery ticket scenario does) but constantly living in a headspace like this strips us all of the opportunity to be truly happy people.
Sometimes the patients I’ve worked with in these scenarios can tell you some version of their unhappiness; something along the lines of “I thought it would be different.” But more often than not, they don’t recognize that their mindset was (and continues to be) transfixed with the future, rarely visiting the now. There was little enjoyment in the process and, as it turned out, little enjoyment near the finish line either.
Maybe it’s not the retirement you’re chasing. Just substitute that with something else like a car, a promotion, a baby, or a house. Or maybe it’s not so grand: a personal record in a workout or race, more social media likes, or a more subconscious desire like a phone, food, or shopping compulsion. The odds are that achieving and acquiring these will all scratch your happiness itch but this is fleeting at best. You’re ecstatic about the thing, then a little time passes and the mind wandering switches to the next thing.
We have more resources, information, opportunity, and lifespans than any time in history so why aren’t you constantly running into happy people throughout the day? Blame it on your brain’s default hardware system. Whether you realize it or not, the stuff you desire in the future can make you happier but never for long and never as much as you think. You regress to the mean just to do it all over again. You’re stuck on the hedonic treadmill.
The Psychology of Happy
“Happiness is wanting what you have.”
-Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
We humans are notoriously terrible at predicting the future, especially when it comes to our happiness. Daniel Gilbert, the author of Stumbling on Happiness, has spent his career studying hidden truths of happiness, including the affective forecasting phenomenon. Affective forecasting refers to the prediction of one’s future emotions which tend to be pretty positive ones.
In one study on affective forecasting, Gilbert looked at two groups of assistant professors. One group received tenure and the other group did not. Researchers expected that the group that received tenure would have higher levels of long-term happiness. Who turned out to be happier? The ones who did not get tenure in the past few years were just as happy as those who did get it.
This miswanting happens all the time. You finally get that promotion, that raise, or that car, you get a boost of happiness, and a short time later your happiness level is back to baseline. The reason is because of the hedonic treadmill (also called hedonic adaptation or more antiseptically referred to as diminishing marginal utility). This hedonic treadmill is your mind eventually returning to your baseline happiness after a little bump or dip.
The hedonic treadmill is constantly working in the background of our minds–keeping us grounded like gravity. It is the reason that the first bite of a juicy ribeye steak is better than the second which is better than the third. It is also the reason that humans tend to return to their baseline happiness level after more significant happiness spikes such as winning the lottery.
So why exactly are our brains programmed to kill off our happiness? Despite the misnomer, the hedonic treadmill works with our unhappiness as well. If someone close to you unexpectedly died, if you were fired from a job, or even if you suffered a permanent disability, this cognitive heuristic will restabilize your mood to your original set point. We developed this cognitive bias to “keep us going” and to avoid getting too high or too low. It’s a protective mechanism to ensure that we stay who we are through thick and thin.
We’re constantly trying to fight this downward pull with a desire for more. We’re fooled into thinking that more will make us happier. More stuff, more likes on Instagram, more food. This is wanting, also known as incentive salience, and it triggers a release of dopamine. Dopamine makes the things you want attractive and triggers cravings for them which only increases this dopamine rush. You end up not wanting what you wanted. What you actually want is the dopamine, which lies in the wanting itself. Unfortunately, some people go through life never recognizing this and just live a life of wanting and consuming without ever being happy.
The 50-40-10 Formula
Our set point is where our happiness typically lives. But why is your baseline different from mine and can we change it? Researchers have determined that your happiness is determined by the 50-40-10% formula.
50% of happiness is determined by genetics
40% of happiness is determined by your actions, mindset, and the way you handle situations
10% of happiness is determined by the environment
While this well-recited ratio has some kinks, the point is taken. Our individual happiness is based on a combination of the genes that have been passed down to us as well as our self-chosen outlook–whether it is conscious or not. (Sidenote: the emerging field of epigenetics might argue that the “set in stone” 50% genetic predisposition isn’t so fixed but we’ll get into that another time.)
The Two Keys of Happy People
So whether you control 40%, 90%, or 1% of your happiness, you have control over your happiness. But “control” is a loaded word. With the combination of our terrible ability to predict our happiness in the future and the ever-persistent hedonic treadmill, the best way to improve your happiness isn’t to fight these omnipotent forces but to change your mindset to work around them.
By changing your mindset to find simple pleasures in the here and now you can rewire your brain to appreciate the countless things around you to trigger those happiness spikes. The spikes will fade quickly and there’s nothing we can do about that but what we can control is how frequently they occur. The more spikes you have the happier you’ll be. So how do you implement this spiking strategy? You need to channel two things: your attention and your curiosity.
The First Key to Happiness: Attention
“Distraction is the only thing that consoles us from the miseries yet it is itself the greatest of our miseries.”
-Pascal
Think of attention like a flashlight. Our brains are only capable of focusing on one thing at a time despite your friend bragging about being a “really good multitasker.” When our attention is actively divided into multiple areas the flashlight is constantly moving back and forth which sacrifices our ability to truly appreciate any one thing. In this instance, our appreciation is finite and the more it is divided the less happy we are. In essence, multitasking robs us of our happiness.
On the other hand, if you monotask and focus on one thing in the present you tend to be happier. Just focus on one thing and I’m happier? That’s a start but practicing mindfulness isn't as easy as it sounds. Research shows that our minds wander 46.9% of the time (although much less when we’re having sex, fortunately). The other times our minds are wandering–to either the past or the future—and this directly influences our mood. Regret and depression live in the past. Anxiety and fear live in the future. Peace and joy live in this moment.
On any given day, there are millions of things right in front of you that have the potential to boost your mood: a cup of coffee, your kid running to you when you get home from work, or your bare feet on the grass. Sound boring? Yeah, it’s not the next rung on the corporate ladder, the sexy new Tesla, or the vacation to the Amalfi coast, but these small moments are salient to our happiness.
In his book, From Strength to Strength, Arthur Brooks discusses this. He gives examples of the importance of seeking novelty and living in the moment to lead a more purposeful and satisfying life, an idea he takes from the Buddhist master Thich Nhat Hanh. Brooks writes:
“Satisfaction comes not from chasing bigger and bigger things, but paying attention to smaller and smaller things.”
A hike through Yosemite on a beautiful day with friends can be as ho-hum as walking on a treadmill if you're scrolling through social media while also internally stressing about work. This is the same reason that you've never had a great meal while you were in an argument at dinner. Sure, the food was great but your attention and mood were hijacked and placed in a negative state by other circumstances so you didn’t even realize the food was great. This love of being in the moment with your kids is also what separates great dads from the not-so-great.
Joy lies in your ability to pay attention; your ability to be mindful. Happy people recognize that if you're in a negative headspace and you're not attuned to the micro then the beauty is lost.
Go with the Flow (State)
Attention is key but a step above attention is a flow state. It’s commonly associated with athletes who are “in the zone” of their sport but it can be found in the quick HIIT workout you just did, during a good meditation, or even when you’re truly focused and cooking a great meal. A flow state is an effortless immersion into an activity with full enjoyment. Flow is attention on steroids. It’s not a foundational component of happiness like attention is but once you find it your pleasure centers are like a kid on Christmas.
Speaking of kids, ever notice one so focused on putting together a toy that they have no idea what is going on in the world around them? Kids do an incredible job of constantly putting themselves into flow states. Embrace the mind of the child.
The Second Key to Happiness: Curiosity
Attention is critical to happiness but it’s not the only puzzle piece. After all, robots can focus their attention on one thing in the moment but they aren’t happy (or are they?). The other puzzle piece is a sense of curiosity.
Curiosity is a “stop-and-think” phenomenon that scratches our itch to know more. This innate sense of questioning the what, why, and how of something taps into our frontal lobe. The depth and frequency of this questioning is part of our human nature. It not only lends itself to a more profound and happier sense of us but also has the byproduct of motivating us to tinker, develop, and fix. It’s the reason humans are living in an incredibly advanced society.
“It’s difficult to be curious and unhappy at the same time.”
-Mindfulness: An Eight Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World
We have this intense curiosity from the moment we are born and then we tend to lose it as we age. While that’s the typical path, it is not our destiny. By constantly tapping into this state of interest we can enhance our sense of joy. Attention to something brings us to the present but curiosity gives us the binoculars to really zoom in.
Get Awe-Some
Just as flow is the pinnacle of attention, awe is a grander level of curiosity. Awe is a feeling of respect and amazement that’s often accompanied by fear when you’re in the presence of something grand. It challenges our understanding of the world and it essentially shifts our perspective and makes us feel smaller in the grand scheme of things. According to one study, people who are more curious are more prone to feelings of awe. Another study stated:
“Experiences of awe bring people into the present moment, and being in the present moment underlies awe’s capacity to adjust time perception, influence decisions, and make life feel more satisfying than it would otherwise.”
Awe is often attributed to feelings of being among majestic spectacles of nature like the Grand Canyon (tip: get out in nature) but it can also be cultivated on an Average Joe scale. Witnessing a sunset, a goose-bump-inducing song, or even hearing a powerful speech can all be examples of awe. Even being taken aback when a coworker goes above and beyond to help a stranger can provoke this feeling.
Awe is around us often but it takes mindfulness to become aware of it. If you’re constantly living in the past or the future then you’re facing a serene sunset with your eyes closed. Once you’re aware of it, the next critical step is to stay with it. Happy people do this well.
Recognize it. Breathe it in. Relish it.
Rewiring for Joy
By shifting your attention and curiosity to the ever-present aspects of your life you are training your brain to find more happiness in the future through neuroplasticity. The neurons that are used with this enhanced observation begin to wire with other neurons that do the same and neurons that fire together wire together. It’s a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy without much downside.
For much of your life, your mind wandered—and continues to wander—outside of the present. Each time it does this your brain is more likely to wander again. It happens so much throughout the day that the vast majority of the time you probably don’t realize it. Try taking 10 slow breaths and focusing only on those breaths to realize how difficult this truly is.
We’re not taught this skill in school (although we should be) which means that we create our own negative feedback loop. Breaking a lifetime of this habit is not an easy task. It requires a conscious effort of awareness of the mind wandering and plenty of reps. This combination of awareness and redirection to the present is a skill. Like every skill it establishes a neuronal connection and then, with repetition, the myelin sheath surrounding the neuron becomes stronger allowing the practice to be fluid. Think, for example, of the first time you used a keyboard to type and fast forward to your current skill level.
Learn the art of mindfulness from genuinely happy people who recognize the simple pleasures. Live in the moment, maintain it, and be happy.
Takeaway
The path to happiness—through channeling your attention and curiosity—may sound a bit fluffy but it works. Big boosts of happiness in our life are great but we anticipate this happiness to last longer than it does. When our joy inevitably returns to baseline we find ourselves looking for the next boost. They also don’t happen as often as we hope which leaves gaps of miswanting between the spikes. We’re putting one foot in front of the other on the hedonic treadmill without even realizing it. As a result, we’re left less satisfied and less happy than if we make a simple mindset adjustment.
The happiness mindset is a combination of attention and curiosity. Channel the spotlight of your attention to what is in front of you right now: the breeze, the sound of your kid laughing, and the muscles burning from the workout. Take your mindfulness further by being truly curious about what you’re senses are experiencing. This frequent recognition of beauty to achieve joy creates recurrent happiness spikes above your setpoint throughout the day. When you do this enough times you teach yourself a skill and, with the help of neuroplasticity, a habit of noticing this joy culminates in a happier you.
After all, if you don’t enjoy that cup of coffee you won’t enjoy the yacht.
Genuine Happiness in 3 Steps:
Recognize that you can’t become happy; you can only be happy. Hop off the hedonic treadmill and look around. Joy is not the car, the promotion, the finish line, or stuff. Joy is in the process.
Integrate more mindfulness into your day. This requires lots of practice to redirect your attention to the moment. This task of redirection takes only seconds, the repetition makes it a skill, and mastering it takes a lifetime. Bonus points if you can achieve a flow state.
Dive in with a sense of curiosity. Take that inch-wide focus a mile deep. Bonus points if you can cultivate a sense of awe.