"Manners are like clothes: it's how you present yourself to the world."

—Diana Vreeland

Thomas Farley, also known as Mr. Manners, is a renowned etiquette expert, speaker, and author of Modern Manners: The Thinking Person’s Guide to Social Graces. He is a regular guest on the NBC Today show, where he fields questions on modern-day manners issues. He has also written a syndicated weekly column, "Ask Mister Manners," which appears in Tribune publications throughout the United States.

It seems that manners and etiquette are at more of a crossroads than ever before. So, I asked Thomas about the most common etiquette faux pas, tipflation, the importance of manners, and if you really need to feel bad about not tipping for a coffee at Starbucks.

5 Questions For Mr. Manners

1. What is the difference between manners and etiquette and why are they so important?

Often used interchangeably, “manners” and “etiquette” represent two different concepts. 

“Manners" is the broader of the two terms, encompassing a way of being that is considerate in all respects. It's not bound by specific or sometimes arbitrary-seeming rules such as “don’t wear white after Labor Day,” but rather by an awareness of the importance of treating every individual one encounters with thoughtfulness and decency. Manners are at the very heart of how human beings flourish and support one another; without them, we are savages.

“Etiquette," on the other hand, is a set of rules established so we have a common playbook from which to operate. The rules of etiquette vary from culture to culture, and though they may appear invented out of whole cloth (e.g. a groom and his attendants standing on the right side of a church during a wedding, the bride and her bridesmaids on the left), they almost always have a rhyme and reason–often fascinating ones. But historic considerations aside, observing rules of good etiquette means that we can all adhere to a set of societal guidelines and then enjoy our interactions without concern of making unwitting errors.

2. What do you find are some of the most common etiquette faux pas?

Transgressions of etiquette rules typically concern me less than transgressions of manners. With that said, a common etiquette faux pas is bringing a plus-one to someone’s home without asking first. Or showing up at a dinner party empty-handed. 

If you want to see bad *manners* in action, head to any restaurant in America—or to our dinner tables. Paying more attention to our cell phones than to the people in our midst comes to mind right off the bat. Diving into one’s food before others’ plates have arrived would be another. Reaching for a dish rather than asking for someone to pass it to you. The one stereotypical transgression many people picture when they think of poor table etiquette—putting elbows on the table—is actually way down on the list, and in certain situations, it’s completely acceptable.

3. A pet peeve of mine is when I’m approaching a door but I am not yet close to it.  The person ahead of me is holding the door which compels me to do a little trot to indicate my thanks.  Knowing there is someone behind you, when should you hold the door for them and when can you let it close?

Being situationally aware is a vital part of having good manners and observing proper etiquette. As a New Yorker who is constantly traversing crowded spaces and going in and out of office buildings, I don’t stop suddenly in the middle of a sidewalk, knowing that disrupts the flow of foot traffic. I don’t plant myself in the middle of a crowded subway staircase checking my phone. And I always make it a point to glance behind me when opening a door to see if others are also about to enter. If that individual is casually sauntering toward a building without a care in the world, I will not stand frozen for 30 seconds awaiting their arrival. But if someone is walking toward a door with deliberate intent, or if the individual appears to be someone who might need a little help with the door, I absolutely wait. And if someone has held the door for me, I always, always thank them.

4. Phone on the table during a meal. Okay or not okay?

Take a look at a place-setting diagram and you will see, not surprisingly, no indication of a spot for a cellphone. Not face-up, not face-down. Phones should be stowed during a meal so you can turn your attention to your dining companions. 

5. There's been a recent surge of those swing-around credit card screens giving options to tip, a practice some call "emotional blackmail". What are your thoughts on tip creep and these tipping practices?

I have been speaking about this quite a bit in the media in 2023 and in fact just delivered my first TED talk on the topic, entitled “The Tipping Invasion: How America Became the Country that Tips for Everything, Everywhere, All at Once.” I find the trend very concerning and consumers are feeling rightly confused and imposed upon by this surge of tip requests. Just because the technology enables an establishment to ping a customer for a tip at the conclusion of a transaction does not mean it should. 

I fear that “tipflation,” as it is more commonly known, diminishes tips for workers who truly rely on gratuities for their income (e.g. taxi drivers, hotel housekeepers, servers in sit-down restaurants). I also wonder where—if anywhere—we will draw the line. At the rate we are going, will it be long before we are tipping our dental hygienists and flight attendants? Service with a smile should not be contingent on the prospect of a tip.

You can learn more from Mister Manners at www.mister-manners.com, on Instagram @MisterManners or on Twitter @MisterManners.